He’s Here to State His Case

Downey’s California:

--Bobby Unser should avoid snowmobiles and stick to something less dangerous, like auto racing.

--If UCLA’s basketball players are trying to get two head coaches fired in one season, they are going about it in the right way.

--Sean Connery played golf in this weekend’s Lexus Challenge event at La Quinta. I hear his golf cart was in the shop, getting its ejector seat, oil slick and machine-gun turrets repaired.

--Jacksonville is in the playoffs, and L.A. doesn’t even have a team. Life stinks.

--I want to be in Fenway Park the first time Roger Clemens pitches there for Toronto. Those noises the Blue Jay hears won’t be bird calls.

--The idea of asking Oakland Raider fans to exchange guns for game tickets was a good one, except the line must have stretched all the way to L.A.

--Kevin Garnett and the Timberwolves took apart Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. Know why? Experience.

--Like you, I have long dreamed of Green Bay vs. Jacksonville in the Super Bowl. These two rivals have had a great NFL tradition, for more than a 50th of a century.

--In Chicago, they call them Da Jags.

--RFK Stadium had its last NFL game Sunday. It has been a place for dirty play, cheap shots, names being dragged through the mud and grass that nobody smoked . . . just like other great buildings in Washington D.C.

--Remind me again: Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer . . . which one’s the good coach?

--I have to admit, that Levi’s commercial they run on TV during football games--the one with the singing patient and singing doctors--gives me the creeps.

--Ohio State would have a good team if Orlando Pace went two ways. No, not offense and defense. I mean football and basketball.

--Michigan has a 300-pound basketball center, Robert “Tractor” Traylor. He’s so big, he should wear mud flaps. Above his number, Traylor should wear a sign that reads: OVERSIZED LOAD. APPROACH WITH CAUTION.

--Duke led Army at one point Sunday, 72-24. That could have been dangerous. Duke has lawyers, but Army has guns.

--Jerry Tarkanian returned to Las Vegas for a game Saturday night. Must have been boring for him, compared with a nonstop-excitement town like Fresno.

--Here is a recent quote from Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway, on an opponent, Carlos Rogers of the Toronto Raptors, who shot a two-point shot at the horn with his team down by three: “Carlos is still learning the game.”

--Here is a quote that same night from Toronto Raptor forward Carlos Rogers, in answer to that opponent, Tim Hardaway of the Miami Heat: “Tim Hardaway, Tim Hardaway, who the bleep is he? Bleep, bleep. We took him apart in the press, and we’ll press that bleep every time we play him. Tim Hardaway, Tim Hardaway. Just who is this guy?”

--I haven’t seen a Raptor this angry since “Jurassic Park.”

--Rather than Eddie Murray, I felt the Angels should have gone after the Yankee first baseman. No, not Cecil Fielder. I mean Don Mattingly. He could be sitting by the phone.

--Four consecutive shutouts? What kind of pads did Ron Hextall of the Philadelphia Flyers use--mattress pads?

--I am dazzled by Tiger Woods. Really, I am. But, I’m sorry, Sportsman of the Year? He ran the 200 and 400 meters this summer in Atlanta.

--I’ll take the world’s fastest sportsman over one who won a couple of golf tournaments, any year.

--On “Monday Night Football” tonight, the Detroit Lions. Now there’s a team Santa will bring a lump of coal.

--Jungle revenge: Jaguars kings, Lions pussycats.

--Dennis Rodman on Shaquille O’Neal: “No way I’d ever pay a man $120 million if he’s not the total package.” Yeah, sure, Den. Why would you pay a lot of money to a guy who, say, like a certain hands-of-stone Chicago Bull we could name, can’t shoot?