THE TIMES’ RANKINGS BY CHRIS DUFRESNE : 1-25

1. North Carolina (2-0): “No. 1 ranking at 3Com Park” sponsored by Michael Jordan men’s apparel.

2. Florida (2-0): Inspired by Sun Tzu, Spurrier finds passage in Koran that relates to whacking tar out of Tennessee.

3. Penn State (2-0): Here’s a surprise, school has three finalists for the Butkus Award.

4. Washington (2-0): Looking past Nebraska to Nov. 22 Apple Cup/Rose Bowl decider vs. Washington State.

5. Florida State (2-0): Week in Review: FSU scores 50 vs. Maryland; safety Sean Key gets 60 days from Leon County Circuit Court.

6. Tennessee (2-0): In psychological ploy, Spurrier orders rock music to be played outside Phil Fulmer’s house.

7. Michigan (1-0): “My son is kicking CU’s rear.” What ABC’s Bob Griese wanted to say on last weekend’s telecast.

8. Nebraska (2-0): Landlocked Cornhuskers poke at strange-looking creature on plate to prepare for Seattle trip: It’s salmon.

9. Ohio State (2-0): Cooper rejects suggestion of two-coach platoon system for Michigan game.

10. Blank (0-0): Space left open in memory of Notre Dame football.

11. Alabama (2-0): Crimson Tide might have beaten Commodores with Lionel Richie at quarterback.

12. Auburn (2-0): Looking past LSU this week to Sept. 27 season-breaker vs. Central Florida.

13. Arizona State (2-0): Some polls had this one right all along. No brag, just fact, Miami.

14. Iowa (2-0): Through two games, Tavian Banks has outrushed USC Trojans, 517 yards to 56.

15. Clemson (2-0): Please get your poll affairs in order before this weekend’s Florida State loss.

16. Stanford (1-1): Big mistake, Cardinal players forgot hedge clippers to cut through Carolina humidity.

17. Washington State (2-0): Just for fun, Cougars offered to beat Cal State Northridge on way out of town.

18. Virginia Tech (2-0): This is one bad, Blacksburg, backwoods, Syracuse-stomping bunch.

19. Colorado (1-1): Hessler gets unlisted number to stop crank calls from head coach.

20. Colorado State (2-1): Not satisfied with chewing out Hessler, Neuheisel drives to Fort Collins to scream at QB Moses Moreno.

21. Michigan State (2-0): Word is Spartans will demand own network deal if they beat Notre Dame.

22. UCLA (1-2): Toledo phones Spurrier to compare running-up-the-score notes.

23. USC (0-2): Proposed billboard: “USC football: We will beat Oregon State in OT--or your money back!”

24. Central Florida (0-3): Pollster pays shameless tribute to executive sports editor’s alma mater.

25. Marshall (2-1): Starting office pool to guess what day Randy Moss quits going to class.

66. Texas (1-1): Earl Campbell returns to lead candlelight vigil through streets of Austin.