Punch Lines

Starr Card: “This week marks the fourth anniversary of Ken Starr’s investigation. Hallmark is observing this occasion with a special subpoena card.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Gross Glamour: “It was rumored that Linda Tripp wanted to wear the famous stained dress. Where would you wear a dress with a big stain? I hope that look doesn’t catch on at the Academy Awards this year.” (Jay Leno)

Dressed to Bill: “Did you see Monica Lewinsky on Tuesday? She showed up at the courthouse wearing a polka dot dress. At least I think those were polka dots.” (Leno)

Martha Knows Best: “I guess Martha Stewart was one of the guests at this big Democratic fund-raiser. The rumor is that she went because she wants a presidential appointment. She might get it. She’s blond, she’s attractive and she does know how to get stains out.” (Leno)

Taking Stock: The stock market plunged almost 300 points amid widespread investor fears. “Administration officials said they hadn’t seen such a huge dip like this since Monica Lewinsky was accepted into the White House’s internship program.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Mountain Man: Mike Tyson petitioned the New Jersey boxing commission for reinstatement. He assured them he can control himself now. “But it didn’t help his case when he admitted he just purchased a cabin in Montana.” (Argus Hamilton)

What a Tripp: “I finally had a chance to meet Linda Tripp, but it was kind of weird. She kept going, ‘Can you say that again?’ and ‘Can you please speak up? I’m hard of hearing in my left ear.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Lead On: The American Bar Assn. expects to pick an African American leader for the first time. “The lawyers say they do not judge a man by the color of his skin . . . as long as he’s immoral and can overbill clients.” (Leno)

Finger Lickin’ Brew: A Texan claims to have created a beer that tastes like ribs. You can now taste ribs and beer at the same time. “Don’t we have that already? I think it’s called belching!” (Leno)

Dr. Doom: In Germany, a dentist reportedly burst into a local bar and ripped a set of dentures out of a woman’s mouth for failure to pay her dental bill. “It’s a good thing this guy doesn’t sell Viagra.” (Jeff Corveau)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.