Santa Says ‘Wait Until Next Year’

Letters to the North Pole . . .

Hey, Kringle:

We know you’re breaking labor laws at your fancy workshop. We’ve seen you recruiting elves out of your area and we’re telling on you. One of them said you paid for his sled fare and offered him incentives under the table such as free barbecues and vacations in Aruba. Other people saw you training reindeer in the offseason. We turned the Cal State Northridge football program upside-down and we can wreck you. Never mind who we are, chubby. Just consider yourself warned.

--Anonymous in Northridge

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Greetings Big Fella:

All we want is eight or 10 real good players by our office door on Christmas Day. That would help us get over last season’s 1-9 record. Let us tell you, big guy, we need a little cheer in our lives. ‘Tis the season when good things happen to the less fortunate, so we’re keeping our fingers crossed. We’d leave cookies and milk for you, but this is a shoestring operation.

--Pierce College football coaches

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Ho, Ho, Ho:

Help us, jolly one. This year, when you squeeze down the chimney of wealthy homes, how about leaving the owner a fund-raising note from us? We want to build a football stadium on campus and need a few million bucks. Our pleas fall on deaf ears and you have such great access to deep pockets that this crazy idea might just work. The movement to save whooping cranes gets more donations than we do. We are not bitter. . . yet. By the way, if you could bring us a good defense for next season, that would be cool.

--Cal State Northridge football coaches

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Dear Santa:

My favorite fishing pole snapped and I need a new one. Last time I used it was in the Sierras in June, when the high school all-star football game was played at Antelope Valley College. That’s when my pal at Antelope Valley, Coach Brent Carder, said I violated recruiting rules by talking to players after the game. Maybe I have a twin I don’t know about. Come to think of it, could you bring me two poles? I’d like to take Brent to the stream next time.

--Chuck Lyon, Canyons football coach

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Honorable Mr. Claus:

I’m the women’s volleyball coach at Cal State Northridge and I desperately need two Junior Olympic players from my country, China. The U.S. Embassy in Beijing wouldn’t give them visas in September. It said the girls did not intend to be full-time students here. It’s such a shame. I had to give scholarships to American players, can you believe that? You fix this and deliver the players, OK?

--Lian Lu

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Most Generous Santa:

We’re blessed to have such a talented women’s basketball team season after season, so we’re not asking for ourselves. But we hope you don’t go overboard with your goodwill for other programs. It wouldn’t be nice or in the spirit of the season to drop names, but they trash you every holiday for bringing us more talented players than they have. We thought you should know. Our regards to the Mrs. and keep up the good work.

--Ventura College coaches

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Howdy, stranger:

Shucks, Santa, I’ve been in Bozeman for two weeks and I’m already talking like the locals. I’m taking a couple of minutes from shoveling thigh-high snow to beg for a favor. Instead of bringing me gifts, could you take me with you? Someone should have slapped me on the head when I decided to leave Cal State Northridge to be the quarterbacks coach at Montana State. What a happening town. That Dairy Queen sure is a lively place with its new eight-track tape sound system and all. Get me out, Santa!

--Aaron Flowers