LAUGH LINES

All Choked Up: “Bobby Knight announced . . . he’s interested in assistant coaching the Indianapolis Pacers in the NBA. He’s making a terrible mistake--doesn’t he realize that in the NBA it’s the players who choke the coaches?” (Argus Hamilton)

What a Gas: “Europe’s got a real [fuel] crisis on its hands. It’s quite possible that a week from now, the only gas left in England will be Prince Charles.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Splitting Up: “Actor Jack Nicholson, 63, and 30-year-old actress Lara Flynn Boyle have ended their . . . romance. The couple . . . parted ways over disagreements about their future. Apparently, she wanted to have kids. Jack wanted to continue dating them.” (Mark Wheeler)

Going Abroad: “First it was director Robert Altman. Now the acting Baldwin brothers say that if George W. Bush is elected president, they’ll leave the country too! If this becomes a trend, it could garner Bush more votes than winning the debates!” (Ira Lawson)

Making a Statement: “Did you see [Mike] Tyson go crazy at the press conference? Cursing at reporters, screaming, ripping his shirt off, said he was going to kill people. Then he said he was on the antidepressant Zoloft. I bet the people at Zoloft are thrilled with that ringing endorsement!” (Jay Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.