AND THAT’S THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT

Chicago at Green Bay, 10 a.m. If you took each word in this sentence and laid them back to back on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, they would equal the average length of the average pass thrown by the Chicago Bears this season, which explains why Brett Favre and the Packers won the first meeting this season in Chicago, and why they will win this one too.

The line: Green Bay by 51/2.

THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH

Cleveland at New England, 10 a.m. A tale of two Glenns: Terry, the AWOL Patriot, and John, the pioneering astronaut, have both spent a good deal of time in outer space, and now Terry, just as John did, is trying the reenter the earth’s atmosphere. Yes, believe it or not, Terry Glenn agreed to practice this week and has consented to play today against the Browns, if needed. Glenn told the Boston Globe, “My whole thing is, I don’t want to let anybody down.” (Earth to Terry: Since when?) He then added, “I want to continue to help this team win.” (Earth to Terry: Since when?)

The line: New England by 5.

PLEASE, NO FERTILIZER JOKES

New Orleans at Atlanta, 10 a.m. Arthur Blank, founder and former chief executive of Home Depot, has agreed to buy the Falcons for $545 million, suggesting a) Blank spent a little too much time inspecting the paint and glue aisles in his stores; b) the going rate for one Super Bowl appearance every 35 years has gone through the roof; and c) Dan Reeves can now get a good deal on aluminum siding for Chris Chandler.

The line: New Orleans by 3.

HE KNOWS HOW TO THROW THE LONG BALL

New York Giants at Dallas, 10 a.m. Having tried Tony Banks, Quincy Carter, Anthony Wright, Clint Stoerner and Ryan Leaf at quarterback this season, the Cowboys have decided to give up on this sport and start looking at baseball players. Last week, the Cowboys worked out Chad Hutchinson, the former Stanford quarterback who pitches in the St. Louis Cardinal organization. Hutchinson had a cup of coffee with the Cardinals this season, appearing in three games, yielding three home runs in four innings and finishing with a 24.75 ERA. No truth to the rumor that the Cardinals paid his air fare.

The line: New York by 31/2.

THE CONTINGENCY PLAN FOR 5-8

San Diego at Philadelphia, 10 a.m., Channel 2. The September San Diego Super Bowl Express comes clanking into Philadelphia at 5-7 after five consecutive losses, and with a less experienced hand at the helm, it would be panic time for the Chargers. Not so with Doug Flutie, who still clings to visions of the playoffs, saying, “We win this game, anything’s possible. You go 9-7, plenty of teams have made the playoffs at 9-7. That’s my view. I’ve seen teams make the playoffs at 8-8.” Got to love that Flutie. In 30 words or fewer, he gives the Chargers this week’s motivational speech--and next week’s as well.

The line: Philadelphia by 7.

HE’D BE A GREAT TWO-WAY PLAYER. ON THOSE PLAYS HE DECIDES TO PLAY

Tennessee at Minnesota, 10 a.m. Wanting to make sure he wasn’t misquoted last month when he was quoted as saying, “I play when I want to play,” Tennessee writers gave Randy Moss another crack at it during a conference-call interview. “Hell, no,” Moss replied, “that ... is what I said. When I want to play, I’ll play. There is nobody here on the face of this earth that can make me go out here and play football.” Just wanted to clear that up for everyone. Later in the interview, Moss was asked who in the NFL can handle him one on one. “Nobody,” Moss said. He’s wrong, of course. Randy Moss has been neutralizing Randy Moss all season.

The line: Tennessee by 2.

JUST NOT AGAINST US, LEE ROY FORGOT TO SAY

Detroit at Tampa Bay, 10 a.m. Today, the 0-11 Lions are on the road, staring into the teeth of Warren Sapp and 0-12. Buck up, Lions, the Buccaneers have been there. In 1976, the expansion Bucs completed a 14-game regular season without winning or tying once, en route to an 0-26 start for the franchise. Hall of famer Lee Roy Selmon played for the ’76 Buccaneers and told the Tampa Tribune, “I wouldn’t wish a winless season on anybody. I’d be perfectly fine if this was a record we held onto forever. There’s no champagne on ice as far as we’re concerned. We’re not organizing any game-watching parties to root against the Lions. My goodness, those guys deserve a victory.”

The line: Tampa Bay by 71/2.

NO NEED TO SAY A WORD

Carolina at Buffalo, 10 a.m. Sometime today at Ralph Wilson Stadium, maybe an hour or so before kickoff, George Seifert, who coached San Francisco to a Super Bowl championship before leaving for Carolina, and Gregg Williams, who helped coach Tennessee to an AFC championship before leaving for Buffalo, will meet at midfield, shake hands, stare forlornly into each other’s eyes and silently wonder what they have done with their lives.

The line: Buffalo by 31/2.

AMERICA’S TEAM 2001

Kansas City at Oakland, 1:15 p.m., Channel 2. This Week in Raider Football: Jon Gruden says no to the Notre Dame coaching job, delighting thousands of USC fans and alumni. Defensive tackle Darrell Russell, ex-Trojan grounded for Ecstasy, is appealing his suspension because he says he didn’t know Ecstasy was on the NFL’s banned substances list, delighting thousands of Notre Dame fans and alumni. Raider football: A little something for everybody.

The line: Oakland by 9.

BEEN THERE, JUST FIRED THAT

Jacksonville at Cincinnati, 10 a.m. Jaguar Coach Tom Coughlin is another name in the Notre Dame hopper, and he has not said no to the Irish. “It’s flattering to hear my name,” he told reporters this week. “Sure it is, if that’s what you want to hear me say.” Actually, what I would like to hear is a Notre Dame official explain why a coach with a 3-8 record in 2001 after going 7-9 in 2000 is considered an improvement over Bob Davie.

The line: Cincinnati by 1.

MORE FUN THAN A KEG ON LEGS

Washington at Arizona, 1 p.m. After television audiences last Sunday thrilled to the overtime gyrations of field goal-kicking brothers Martin and Bill Gramatica, Fox officials huddled and decided, “There’s nothing wrong with this sport that a few more Gramaticas wouldn’t cure.” Yes indeed, coming right up: Santiago Gramatica, having completed his freshman season at the University of South Florida. Santiago hit only three of 11 field-goal attempts, but he’s young, he’s got a lot of life in those legs and if he’s anything like his older kin, South Florida undergrads, you know you want to party with him.

The line: pick ‘em.

MEANWHILE, HISTORY IS FAVORED BY 81/2

New York Jets at Pittsburgh, 1:15 p.m. Did you know that the Jets, since 1986, are 18-42 in games played after November? Did you know that the Jets, since the 1970 merger, are 1-13 in games played against the Steelers? Do you know what Vinny Testaverde had to say about that? “We’ve never played a team that was named History,” Testaverde told reporters this week. “I never played a team called Month of December.” Las Vegas bookmakers, unconvinced, have installed Month of December as a 31/2-point favorite over the Jets.

The line: Pittsburgh by 31/2.

THE WAFFLE STARTS HERE

Seattle at Denver, 5:30 p.m., ESPN. Now that Matt Hasselback has silenced the Great Seattle Quarterback Controversy (he has, hasn’t he?), here comes Ricky Watters off the injured list to ignite the Great Seattle Running Back Controversy. In Watters’ absence, Shaun Alexander has become the third-leading rusher in the AFC, but the unwritten law of the NFL states that no player loses his starting job because of injury. Right? “I’ve never heard anything where if you’re injured, you regain your spot when you come back,” says Seahawk Coach Mike Holmgren. Rest assured, Watters will catch him up on that one.

The line: Denver by 6.

MONDAY NIGHT, DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL

Indianapolis at Miami, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7. Peyton Manning leads NFL quarterbacks with 26 touchdown passes this season--20 to his own team, six to others. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, those six interceptions returned for touchdowns against the Colts are one short of the single-season record, shared by the 1999 Dolphins, the 1984 Chiefs and the 1967 Patriots. Four teams are tied with the 2001 Colts at six, including the 1993 Saints, who were also coached by Jim Mora. The line: Miami by 41/2.