It’s a Safe Bet Raider Fans Are Ready for a Rumble

When your assignment is to go to hell, you’d like to know you can leave at day’s end.

I checked--Avis does not rent tanks.

So in plotting my escape route on foot from the celebration or riot that will take place at the Network Associates Coliseum after today’s AFC championship game, I took a tour of the parking lot Saturday. I noted the location of the police command headquarters on each side of the stadium, and figured if I could crawl across the back parking lot and make my way to the “Chubby Freeze” on Hegenberger Road, I might be safe.

“On that side you have barbed wire, a fence and railroad tracks to get over,” said Sally Roach, stadium general manager and someone who apparently has also given good thought to fleeing the Black Hole.

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BALTIMORE TIGHT END Shannon Sharpe said he would rather be in prison for a day than be in this stadium, because he said prison “is a lot safer.”

That’s because most of the criminals are on furlough and here dressed as Raider fans. Somebody has to sit in all these unsold luxury suites.

Imagine calling a convention of every conceivable wacko, “Crazy Sickos,” as Baltimore defender Tony Siragusa calls Raider fans, encouraging them to empty local hardware stores of all chains and spikes, and then whip them into a frenzy and convince them their behavior will play a huge role in determining whether the Raiders advance to the Super Bowl or flop at home.

Now what happens if the Raiders win? The Crazy Sickos are going to want to celebrate like there’s no tomorrow--and tomorrow never really looks all that good in Oakland anyway--and if “every now and then we have a toasted Taurus” for a normal Raider game, as Roach said--yikes, what are they going to roast today?

Now what happens if the Raiders lose, and the Crazy Sickos are left to vent--come on, Sally Roach, tell me it’s not as if you’ve had people lose it and just start stabbing each other, now have you?

“Um, let me think,” Roach said, and I don’t know--it might just be me--but I think if it was my parking lot, I’d remember if there were stabbings.

“I don’t believe so, but I couldn’t say with 100% accuracy whether it was a Raider fan or not involved in any stabbings,” she said. “Sometimes we have people just coming to the parking lots to tailgate and they may never get into the stadium.”

I guess once the national anthem is played, that’s the stabbing cue . . . you know the expression, “I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one of those purple Ravens’ jerseys?” Well, yes, you would.

You think all this is an exaggeration? Al Davis is coming to today’s game, but as Roach pointed out, “He’s coming with a police escort.”

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A WEEK AGO a huge contingent of Raven fans went to Nashville to support the team. This week they’ve been advised to stay home for the biggest game of the year by their leader, Coach Brian Billick.

“If they are as exuberant as they were in Tennessee, they won’t be in Tampa [for the Super Bowl],” Billick said. “Because they won’t be alive. I’ve warned them. I have been here before.”

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YOU KNOW WHAT’S going to happen next year when Kansas City Coach Dick Vermeil brings his Chiefs here and these Crazy Sickos start yelling at him. He’s going to cry.

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I’M SURE WHEN the Crazy Sickos start yelling and calling Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis a “double murderer,” someone in the stands with a sense of decency and fair play will set everyone straight and explain that Lewis only pleaded guilty to obstructing the police investigation into the two murders after last year’s Super Bowl in Atlanta. If we’re going to talk trash, let’s be accurate.

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NO ONE IS safe, of course, sitting in any stadium where Trent Dilfer is throwing the ball. He’s liable to hit anyone, well, with the exception of Baltimore’s wide receivers.

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HOPEFULLY THIS WEEK we’ll learn UCLA Athletic Director Peter Dalis has put in a couple of calls to Bobby Knight. Don’t knock it, it’s working.

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I LIKE HOW reporters are going to Isaiah Rider as if he’s the knowledgeable voice of reason in this Kobe Bryant-Shaquille O’Neal dispute.

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IN TWO WEEKS Minnesota Coach Dennis Green might get his due as one of the NFL’s best coaches--winning consistently year after year-- this year doing it with Daunte Culpepper against everyone else’s better judgment.

Then again, in a few hours Green might go into the winter cold as one of the NFL’s all-time great choke artists when it comes to postseason play.

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THE GIANTS HAD Lawrence Taylor speak to the team Saturday about the importance of winning the Super Bowl. The Vikings couldn’t find anyone with that kind of experience.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Bud:

“Your caring suggestion that Pete Dalis needs some sensitivity training was very interesting, and I’m sure heartfelt, because I think anyone who has regularly read your column knows the importance you place in sensitivity.”

In the future, Bud, send your e-mail to someone who cares.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.