Start the Resolutions Without Him

It isn’t as easy as it looks, with the government taking 40% of your hard-earned multimillions and the media, the organization, teammates and/or your coach disrespecting you.

So as 2004 approaches, our favorites are once more resolving to get it together.

Shaquille O’Neal -- No, really, this time I mean it. I’m putting this silly squabble behind us for the good of the team. Is he gone yet?

Kobe Bryant -- Eighty-two, 81, 80, 79, 78....

Gary Payton -- This is nothing. Instead of those two, picture me with Vernon Maxwell and Calvin Booth.

Karl Malone -- Or Greg Ostertag and Calbert Cheaney.

Phil Jackson -- Kobe and Shaq are at it again? OK, wake me if one of them kills the other.

Elton Brand -- Next time they tell me I’m a free agent, I’m going to ask, “Is that restricted or unrestricted?”

Mike Dunleavy -- Next time I take a coaching job, I’m going to ask to see a copy of next season’s roster.

Lamar Odom -- I think I finally did the right thing. A demanding coach like Pat Riley is just what I need.

Pat Riley -- No, really, it was the perfect time to leave, for me, anyway. From now on, I’ll do it Phil’s way -- take over a team with superstars. Get me Dr. Jerry Buss. Dr. Buss? It’s Riles!

Darko Milicic -- I have come to America because I need a demanding coach like Larry Brown.

Brown -- You did the right thing, Darko. Don’t worry, I’ll be here three or four more years, or weeks, and then you can play. I’m running out of teams I haven’t already coached, but I may revisit some of my favorite places, like Philadelphia.

John Paxson -- You know my two-year plan to restore the greatness of the Bulls? Can we make that 10?

Michael Jordan -- The way to do this right is to buy my own team, even if it costs money. I’ll use some of Charles Barkley’s and some of Tiger Woods’ and some of David Falk’s....

Jason Kidd -- Next time, I’d better not ask Joumana, “Where do you think we should go, honey?”

Joumana Kidd -- Don’t worry, babe. This is great for my TV career and you’ll be OK when you get your new coach, owners and arena.

Dennis Rodman -- Everything will fall in line if I go out the right way, as opposed to my 1999 comeback with the Lakers or my 2000 comeback with the Mavericks. I just signed with the Long Beach Jam. They say they have to pay me the same as all those nobodies, but I’m sure I can get a mil or two under the table. They can just slip it to the Hard Rock Casino. By the way, where’s Long Beach?

Jermaine O’Neal -- They lied to me about keeping Isiah Thomas. I want to be reunited with him, wherever he goes.... He just went where?

Isiah Thomas -- I feel bad about telling Mr. Dolan we can make the playoffs this season, but it seemed so important to him. I’ll break the bad news to him after the holidays.

Don Chaney -- He’s really a good guy. I’ll come with you.

Thomas -- That’s OK.

Knick President James Dolan -- What does n-e-p-o-t-i-s-m mean, Dad?

Cablevision boss Charles Dolan -- Never mind.

Spike Lee -- This is New York, the cultural, financial, intellectual and fashion capital; we’re too hip for resolutions. There’s too much going on, like Orlando coming in to play our Knicks in an exciting test of East rebuilding projects.

Rasheed Wallace -- Get out of my face, establishment lackey. You can’t fool me with that resolution bull. That’s one more way they exploit the downtrodden, like me.

Danny Ainge -- Tell me again how you start this up.

Red Auerbach -- First, you go out and get Bill Russell.

Ainge -- But Russ is almost 70.

Auerbach -- Oh, right.

David Stern -- Another year means the East must be on its way back! How’s it looking?

Russ Granik -- Never mind.

Stern -- OK, at the All-Star news conference, you take the questions about seeding the playoffs, Rasheed, Mark Cuban, grade school kids turning pro and the union.

Granik -- You mean, like the last five?

Donald T. Sterling -- Are you back? OK, I promise to keep not reading you. I’ve got so many delightful friends who give me all the advice I need, and, of course, there’s Elgin Baylor.

Me -- I promise never to call Donald, Jay Adande and Steve Springer bozos again for failing to appreciate Michael Olowokandi, unless, of course, Michael makes a comeback. I promise never again to tell Bill Plaschke he doesn’t know if a basketball is blown up or stuffed, unless he disagrees with me. I promise.

Faces and Figures

James Dolan, the Madison Square Garden boss who insisted his management team was, at least, more harmonious than the old one, finally learned the first rule: When things go bad, someone -- preferably not you -- must be sacrificed.

Indeed, firing President Scott Layden and bringing in Thomas had the desired effect, with everyone scurrying around asking if Chaney is safe (no) or if Thomas will become coach too (not if he has a brain in his head, he won’t).

As usual, the central question wasn’t addressed: Will they finally tear this team apart and take their lumps, or is this more of the improbable rebuilding on the fly that Layden had to do?

Houston’s Jim Jackson, the renowned malcontent dumped by Sacramento last summer, is with his 10th team in eight seasons, but Coach Jeff Van Gundy starts him and says Jackson’s a team leader.

“We kind of mess with him a little bit because we say he’s coach’s pet,” Maurice Taylor says of Jackson. “He don’t like it too much but

Philadelphia’s Eric Snow on Utah’s fast-emerging Andrei Kirilenko: “He’s special. He has some skills and his length, his arms, his height and his athletic ability -- you can’t teach that. Almost every turnover I had, he was probably the guy who got a hand on it.”

Indiana Coach Rick Carlisle may be a defensive ace, but no one thinks much of his offense.

Said Golden State Coach Eric Musselman, in a lapse of discretion: “We don’t want to do what Indiana did [against zone defenses], which is stand around like High School Harry and pass the ball above our heads until the shot clock is about to expire and then jack up a long perimeter shot.”

Milwaukee Coach Terry Porter on Portland’s fast-emerging Zach Randolph: “I looked at the stat sheet and it said 30 points and 18 rebounds and I couldn’t believe it. It comes so easy for him. For a young big guy, he has great footwork. Nowadays, you don’t find that with big guys. They want to step outside and shoot jumpers and cross over and do that kind of stuff, but he has a great sense of what to do in the post.”

Seattle’s Jerome James, who fell asleep in a film session, told the Post-Intelligencer’s Jim Moore, “I wasn’t asleep, I just nodded off for a second,” then added, “I wasn’t the only one sleeping. Other people were sleeping but [Coach Nate McMillan] saw me.”

James, on the fans’ reaction: “I don’t care what the perception is. All they do is sit home and watch TV. I appreciate their interest in the sport, but until you travel an 82-game season and practice with a young coach who believes in working hard, they’re not in my shoes.”