It’s Tough Keeping Track of All This ... So to Speak

You think you know your daily sports section, but do you really?

As part of a company-wide program designed to test and hone your reading comprehension skills, Second Thoughts and the No. 2 pencil company that sponsors this space introduce: “Are You Paying Subscribers Paying Attention?”

After weeks of tinkering with formats -- one scrapped plan involved a Rorschach inkblot test -- we settled on a template.

The object of the exercise is to match the newspaper quote to the person who said it (correct answers below).

Quote: “We think he’ll be ready Friday.”

A: President of cryonics facility on Ted Williams.

B: Laker Coach Phil Jackson on Shaquille O’Neal.

C: Spectator on Sergio Garcia re-gripping at 2002 U.S. Open.

Quote: “They’ve got a great organization. I don’t hate them.”

A: Ralph Nader on General Motors.

B: Darin Erstad on the Dodgers.

C: Martha Burk on Augusta National.

D: Rev. Jerry Falwell on the Hells Angels.

Quote: “It’s one of those freak acts of nature. It’s over, what a freak, it’ll never happen again.”

A: Manchester United Coach Alex Ferguson on hitting soccer star David Beckham in the forehead with a soccer boot.

B: Dennis Rodman on turning down loud music at request of local police chief.

C: Mark Madsen on scoring nine points against Houston Rockets.

Quote: “This crisis cannot continue for months.”

A: Phil Jackson on injuries to Shaquille O’Neal.

B: Barbara Walters on Michael Jackson’s face.

C: United Nations on situation in Iraq.

D: IOC President Jacques Rogge on U.S. Olympic Committee scandal.

Quote: “He has a faster swing speed than I do, but he has inferior equipment.”

A: Phil Mickelson on Tiger Woods.

B: Julio Iglesias on Ricky Martin.

Quote: “Ben Howland, Mark Few, Bob Williams, Pat Douglass, Roy Williams, I’d go with those five.”

A: Steve Lavin on his list of possible successors.

B: Dick Vitale on his list of possible pallbearers.

Quote: “Probably not.”

A: Dodger pitcher Kevin Brown on whether his arm will hold up through the All-Star break.

B: Tiger Woods on whether he and Phil Mickelson would open a boutique on Melrose.

C: Shaq on whether he would agree to step on a scale in front of reporters.

D: Donald T. Sterling on whether he’d agree to sell Clippers to someone who actually has a clue.

Quote: “I want to correct the situation and apologize for not being more candid.”

A: NBA analyst Bill Walton on his desire to become more opinionated.

B: Mike Tyson on waking up and seeing a giant tattoo on his face.

C: University of Washington Coach Rick Neuheisel on lying about an interview with the San Francisco 49ers.

Quote: “This is a dog-eat-dog business we’re in. Dog-eat-dog.”

A: Labrador retriever on competing at Westminster Kennel Club show.

B: Shaquille O’Neal on the rigors of playing in the NBA.

C: Man in swim trunks on set of “Are You Hot?”

Quote: “I’m not a fortune teller. But if everything goes right, it will be well over 1,000.”

A: Injured tailback Willis McGahee on number of yards he thinks he will gain next season.

B: Montreal Expo spokesman on team’s projected opening day attendance.

C: Arena League commissioner on how many points will be scored in title game.

D: Kobe Bryant on the number of shots he will have to take for Lakers to advance in NBA playoffs.

Quote: “Turn off the cell phone!”

A: Referee to Allen Iverson as the Philadelphia 76er star attempts to make game-winning free throw.

B: Pilot of L.A. Kings’ charter flight during taxi and takeoff at LAX.

C: Tiger Woods to spectator on 17th green at Riviera.

Quote: “There were no ill effects.”

A: Medic on prognosis of UCLA fans treated for wooziness outside Pauley Pavilion after school’s sixth straight home loss to Stanford.

B: Dodger Manager Jim Tracy on Kevin Brown’s first pitching stint of spring training.

Quote: “I’m sorry to let down all my fans in Memphis and around the world but I am not at 100% and I do not want to perform at less than that.”

A: Elvis on canceling 1975 concert after eating day-old peanut butter and fried banana sandwich.

B: Grizzlies’ star Pau Gasol on postponing a personal appearance at auto parts store.

C: Mike Tyson on initially backing out of fight against Clifford Etienne.

Answers: B, B, A, D, A, A, C, C, B, A, C, B, C.

News item: Oregon State hires Mike Riley as football coach.

Second thought: Riley tells incoming recruits he will not abandon the program for the first good NFL job that comes along like those last two Beaver coaches, Dennis Erickson and ... Mike Riley.

News item: Jose Canseco jailed for parole violation.

Second thought: Prison breakout goes awry when, during inmate pickup game, baseball containing key to main gate bounces off right fielder Canseco’s head and over the wall.

News item: Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax severs ties with Dodgers over gossip item in New York Post.

Second thought: Blind item: “Down Under” media mogul tells Second Thoughts he would complete transition from once beloved family-run baseball franchise to tax write-off by asking team’s “Hall of Fame announcing hero” to either begin work with a voice coach or retire. “Mogul” thinks announcer’s cadence too slow for today’s “smash it, trash it” society. Thinks announcer, whose name rhymes with Sully, could eventually work back to baseball doing overdubs for “World’s Wildest Police Videos.”

For the Record: Second Thoughts Corp. apologizes for recent blind item regarding “Hall of Fame announcing hero.” Writer on tight deadline needed one more note to fill space below “1,000 Words’ Worth” photo and thought innuendo regarding icon announcer might get picked up on talk-radio shows. Second Thoughts Corp. regrets the error.