Always Glad to Give an Assist to the Needy

So many to help, so little time.

“Quick,” wrote Bill Armas in a Wednesday morning e-mail, “go tell Derek Fisher your daughter can play better defense against point guards than he can.”

Or, as Alan Lopez put it in his e-mail: “You need to tell Shaq your wife could make more free throws than he can, and while you’re at it, tell Phil Jackson the Grocery Store Bagger could do a better job coaching. Hey, it worked with your daughter and Kobe, and this just might get them to the playoffs.”

I suppose it’s the curse of every Miracle Worker to be pulled in so many directions, one day making a slugger out of a big-time whiffer like Shawn Green, a few months later motivating the Trojans, coaching the Lakers and saving Kobe Bryant’s career.

Helping our local athletes, of course, is just what I do for a living.

Green had more strikeouts than hits, so I told him I’d rather have Chad Kreuter on my fantasy baseball team. Green went out and hit four home runs, a double and a single in the same game to set the major league record for total bases.

Bryant was making less than 28% of his three-point shots, I told him my daughter could outshoot him, and he said he would shoot against her to benefit a charity. Three hours later, he set the NBA record for long-range shots with a dozen.

The Trojans lost two games under Pete Carroll’s guidance, then I took over and told the lads UCLA, Notre Dame and Iowa would add to their misery, and they ran the table.

“How about telling Darren Dreifort he can’t win 20 games?” wrote Chris Ramos. “Then let Britney Spears know she has no shot of going on a date with me.”

Obviously Britney is still wrestling with the news she has no shot of going on a date with me, and with spring training not starting for a while I thought it might be a challenge in my continuing role as Miracle Worker to see if I could go one step beyond and raise the dead. So I stopped by Staples Center on Wednesday to visit Coach Alvin Gentry and the Clippers.

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WHEN I arrived three hours before a scheduled game with Memphis, I found an assortment of 60 car dealers, restaurant owners, executives and even the CEO of Sports Chalet running up and down the court playing basketball, not surprised in the least to find an open audition for Clipper replacements.

“No, no, this is a Los Angeles Sports & Entertainment Commission/AT&T-hosted; Clipper fantasy camp for the Commission’s sponsors,” I was told, and have you ever met anyone with the fantasy to be a Clipper?

Well, whoever they were, they were breathing, which was a definite improvement over Michael Olowokandi and the other stiffs who have been wearing Clipper uniforms much of the year.

In the last three games, the Clippers had the lead for 7 minutes 56 seconds during the 144 minutes of play. They’d lost six in a row, and would have trouble beating UCLA, and that’s with Steve Lavin coaching the Bruins.

“I’ll listen to anything and anybody,” said Lazarus II, otherwise known as Coach Gentry. “This is the biggest gut-check game since I’ve been here, and if you know a way to help, I’m all for it.”

I suggested a stirring pregame speech: “Tell the guys I’ll treat them like Kevin Brown the rest of the year if they don’t improve,” I said. Gentry nodded like that might just do it, and I was glad to help.

The Clippers then took a 13-2 lead over Memphis.

The guys continued to run scared, faltered for a while and so I made sure they could see me typing before they recorded a 103-95 victory.

There’s no question my plate is full now that I’m coaching both the Lakers and Clippers and prepping the daughter for her shootout with Kobe to help keep him sharp and benefit some charity. I’m concerned I won’t have the time to pull the L.A. Kings out of their funk. I worry about that, because then I might never get to the Sparks.

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I REMAIN amazed how many people work for a living and yet appear to be always out to lunch: “Mr. Simers,” wrote e-mailer Juan Santizo, “aren’t you embarrassed on how Kobe shut you up? You should think about moving to Sacramento and writing for their paper.”

I’m afraid if I went to Sacramento, as he suggests, I’d find myself writing the Kings will never beat the Lakers, and you know what that would mean.

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JASON GUDZUNAS e-mailed to say, “When your daughter wins the shooting contest with Kobe, if you’re not sold on the idea of giving the money to the ‘Underprivileged Grocery Store Baggers,’ I’d respectfully request she consider giving it to the City of Hope.”

That was one of several excellent suggestions offered by readers Wednesday, and when you consider “hope” is probably all Kobe has going for him when he shoots from long range, it will have to be considered.

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THE TOP-rated TV show in L.A. last week -- more popular than “Friends” and the Orange Bowl -- was the NFL playoff game featuring the Giants and 49ers.

The Tournament of Roses parade, in fact, drew a bigger audience than the Trojans. So did the Atlanta-Green Bay and Cleveland-Pittsburgh playoff games. The Rose Bowl and Orange Bowl tied for fifth in local viewership.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from J. David Allison:

“As a long-time Dodger fan of nearly 50 years, the biggest losers are those Dodger fans who are stupid enough to read your column. I consider your column not even fit to line my cat’s litter box.”

I don’t know, it’s good enough for your (e-mail).

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com