You Really Can’t Go Home Again

On the plus side, Tony Dungy returns to Raymond James Stadium tonight accompanied by an undefeated team, a 30-point-a-game offense and a quarterback coming off a six-touchdown performance.

On the downside, it’s too late to back out now.

Dungy’s return to Tampa, where he coached for six seasons before moving to Indianapolis, is the fourth and final leg of the NFL’s much-publicized “Homecoming Weekend.” Like any good coach, he probably did his homework and noticed what happened Sunday when Steve Mariucci went home to San Francisco, Mike Holmgren went home to Green Bay and Emmitt Smith went home to Dallas.

Guys Coming Home: 37.

Home: 83.

Mariucci, Holmgren and Smith combined to go 0-3 as they tripped down memory lane, and it really wasn’t close.

Mariucci showed up at San Francisco’s 3Com Park, where he was warmly greeted by many of his former players, who then ran up a 17-0 lead against Mariucci’s Detroit Lions before closing out a 24-17 victory.

Holmgren stepped back inside Lambeau Field, where he shook hands again with Brett Favre, who then huddled with the Packers and drove them to five touchdowns on five consecutive possessions en route to a 35-13 triumph over Holmgren’s Seattle Seahawks.

Smith came back to Texas Stadium, where he hugged Jerry Jones, who then watched the new Cowboys gang up on the old Cowboy, knocking Smith out of the game after six carries and a net of minus-one yard in a 24-7 win over the Arizona Cardinals.

Minus-one yard. Most of pro football figured Smith was taking a step backward by trading Cowboy silver for Cardinal red, white and black and blue. But this was actual visual proof.

Minus-one yard. For Smith, who left the game with a sprained left shoulder in the second quarter, it was the worst performance of his 14-year NFL career, continuing what is fast shaping up as the worst season of his NFL career.

In 13 seasons with Dallas, Smith rushed for a league-record 17,162 yards.

In five games with Arizona in 2003, Smith hasn’t cracked 200 yards. After 25 yards last week and minus-one against the Cowboys, Smith has netted only 192 yards for the 1-4 Cardinals.

Smith wasn’t kidding when he told reporters afterward that the highlight of his weekend back in Dallas was his daughter’s soccer game. In fact, he said it with a straight face struggling to fight back tears.

This weekend, he said, wasn’t about the saturation media coverage that accompanied his return to Texas or the Cowboys exacting revenge for Smith’s preseason diamond-among-trash assessment of his last year in Dallas.

“I had a chance to see my daughter play soccer this weekend,” Smith said, choking on his words. “And that’s what I’m going to take with me.”

Smith spoke emotionally of a note his daughter had left him, a note he said read, “Daddy, no matter what happens, if you win, you did your best. And if you lose, you did your best too.”

Today’s written reviews in the Dallas and Phoenix newspapers don’t figure to be half as kind. Bottom line is all that matters in the NFL, and right now, the consensus reads: Bill Parcells Didn’t Want Emmitt, Parcells Is 3-1, Parcells Must Have Been Right.

The 49ers are feeling a little better about their decision to fire Mariucci and replace him with Dennis Erickson -- although during a 1-3 September, “Good Ol’ Mooch” was becoming quite the popular golden oldie around the Bay Area. Foremost among his 49er sins, real or imagined, were:

1. He couldn’t win the big one.

2. He couldn’t get along with Terrell Owens.

The 49ers opened their 2003 schedule with a victory over Chicago followed by three consecutive defeats. Suddenly, the word on the street was, “At least Mariucci could beat the Browns and the Vikings.”

Mariucci versus T.O.?

We are learning the coach might not have been the problem there.

T.O. versus The World -- that’s the real rivalry.

Mariucci now has new headaches to conquer. Sunday’s defeat was his fourth in five games with the Lions -- and Detroit’s 19th in a row on the road. The Lions are nearing record-book land -- the 1981-84 Houston Oilers hold the record for most consecutive road losses at 23.

Detroit is four away with five away games left on the 2003 schedule: Chicago, Seattle, Minnesota, Kansas City and Carolina.

Minnesota and Kansas City are both 5-0 after the Vikings’ 39-26 rout of Atlanta and the Chiefs’ 24-23 defeat of Denver. Carolina, a 19-13 winner over New Orleans, is 4-0. So those three will be tough.

Chicago initially appeared winnable, but that was before Sunday, when the Oakland Raiders came to town, stepped inside the newly remodeled Soldier Field From Another Planet, thought they were abducted by aliens -- and maybe they were -- and were thoroughly rattled by the UFO-with-

hash-marks surroundings. Bears 24, Raiders 21. The Lions, at the very least, have to be leery.

That leaves Seattle, which had been undefeated before traveling to Green Bay. Holmgren had brought his Seahawks to Lambeau once before, in 1999. He came away with a win then, 27-7, thanks to an inordinate amount of turnovers by Favre.

Suspecting he could have exhausted his supply of good fortune there, Holmgren had to be nervous about the rematch. He sent Ahman Green into Green Bay as an advance scout and undercover spy, didn’t he? That had to be the reason for that curious 2000 trade, right?

What do you say, Agent Green?

Green filed the following report, right before Holmgren’s eyes: 118 yards and two touchdowns in 27 carries for the Packers.

Original mission aborted, evidently.

Ordinarily, homecoming is a tradition limited to high school and college football teams. It’s usually a calculated celebration, a fabricated good time. You bring in a patsy, you pile up the score, you ensure that the queen and her court have a happy, memorable life experience.

“Homecoming Weekend” in the NFL began on a similar route. Holmgren lost at Green Bay by 22 points. Smith lost at Dallas by 17 points. Mariucci lost at San Francisco by seven points.

Tonight, it’s Dungy back at Tampa.

Say this, at least, for the Indianapolis coach:

He has been warned.