This Appears to Have Been a Red-Letter Day

These people live among you ...

Mike Green: “I thought your article on the [golf] heckler was the most low-class piece of garbage I have ever read.”

Guess you missed last Sunday’s column.

Steve Parker: “Being a huge UCLA basketball fan for 40 years, I winced a little on your comments about Ben Howland. Upon reflection, however, I tend to agree with you. But what does he have to work with? He’s inherited the softest group of players I’ve ever seen. [They’re] pathetic with no heart.”

Given the news of the day at UCLA, I’m not sure we want to talk about who has a heart and who doesn’t.

Jim Downs: “I offer the following proof that LAT editors do not review your columns before they are printed. You wrote, ‘If you’re married, you know how irritating it is when your partner suddenly clams up and starts walking around like a zombie because they think you wronged them somehow.’ ‘They’ does not agree in number with its antecedent, partner.”

In our house, the old antecedent never seems to agree with her partner.

Mike Guzman: “Your article [on Gary Payton] is a perfect example of what is wrong with sports journalism. People like you have no idea what they are talking about, printing opinions that border on slander.... How do you type a column with a strait jacket on?”

Look, ma, no hands.

Piet Van Leer: “You get hate mail from Kato Kaelin? Classic.”

Better than getting it from O.J. Simpson.

Brian Holman: “ ... Our only son is named after [Davis Love]. I’m insulted by your article. You have neglected the talent on the PGA Tour. This isn’t WWF or some stupid reality show. Concentration actually matters. Before you write about something you know nothing about, do some homework.”

You’re right, I just took it for granted no one named their kid after a wimp. Do you have any other kids named after athletes that I should know about?

Lorraine Boyd: “That recent USA Today list of 10 toughest athletes that included two golfers was quite the joke. Heck, even my non-athletic hubby plays golf ... “

Probably just to get out of the house.

Shirley Harris: “Hi, Macho Man. From your column [on Love] I conclude you are a closet war correspondent, a writer looking for the distraction of bombs whizzing overhead while you write your column. It appears you welcome hecklers, noisy beer guzzlers and ...”

I printed your e-mail, didn’t I?

Erich Von Zipper: “I’ve quietly tolerated your asinine remarks for years ... “

I know there’s been some talk of giving out medals, just hang in there.

Robert Preston: “I read your article about Ted Ball. I took the liberty of photocopying it and taking it with me on my ward round [in Dublin] where I am a senior medical student.

Ireland has one of the highest rates of cystic fibrosis ... for many, definitive treatment comes only following full heart and lung transplant. One of my patients is a 26-year-old male, like Ball, the size of a jockey. He’s been offered a premium place on the transplant list for two years, but has refused it.

I left him the article on our morning round and told him to call me later. Instead I got a call from my supervising doctor. He wanted to know how a lowly medical student assigned to the ward two weeks ago got a 26-year-old to change his mind about a transplant after they spent two years trying to convince him. I told him a little California magic.

I don’t know how it will turn out. I don’t know how long it will be before a donor becomes available. The important thing is he’s inspired to try.”

I’ll pass it on to Mr. Inspiration when he finishes the marathon today.

Joe Klass: “The story was so out of character for your style of writing that I thought you were the one who had a transplant, of a new heart. Either that, or you had died and returned reincarnated as Jim Murray. If human interest is your new kick, I have a possible story that may turn you on.”

Buzz off.

Segev Perets: “I have never written a letter of this nature to anyone in my life. But I have to let you know. I’ve been reading the Times sports section, especially any article having anything to do with the Lakers, going on 15 years. I’ve finally reached the point where I need to tell you how much you [stink]....Your apparent knowledge of basketball is quite limited. Do us all a favor and stick to baseball or golf, but keep your nose out of business where you do not belong. Idiot.”

Didn’t take you long to get the hang of these kind of letters, now did it?

Mark Mahoney: “Do you go into any of the L.A.-based sports locker rooms anymore? Do players threaten to kick your butt?”

I’ve had the feeling on occasion that a few Dodgers would like to take a poke at me, but I’ve just taken for granted they’d swing and miss.

Mitch Macauley: “What would you do if the Boston parking lot attendant purchased the Times [like Philip Anschutz has bought the San Francisco Examiner]? Better yet, what do you think would be his first order of business?”

Seeking a line of credit from The Times’ Federal Credit Union.

Tony Rydell: “I have to admit I read your column. Your point of view it seems overall is to bring out the negative. I don’t often see a positive story.... I have a topic that may be of interest to you regarding the Dodgers. I went on their website and complained ... “

I see what you mean about being more positive.

AND TODAY’S last word comes from Travis Painter:

“My name is Travis Painter and I am one of the students in your wife’s math class ... “

Bummer, kid.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.