All-Star Pregame Show Lacks Luster

They said this baseball All-Star game lacked star power, but there was a red carpet outside Detroit’s Comerica Park on Tuesday night, and red carpets are reserved for stars, aren’t they?

And look! On that red carpet, midway through Fox Sports Net’s half-mocking, half-crocked pregame show, was an actual star! Or at least an old one, a name that used to shine on marquees and brought smiles to households across America.

It was Jon Lovitz.

He was driving a red Corvette in the parade of All-Stars, serving as Gary Sheffield’s chauffeur.

It was a little sad, seeing Lovitz slumped in the driver’s seat, looking greatly uncomfortable and embarrassed that Fox reporter Carolyn Hughes not only recognized him, but dragged a cameraman over for a brief, awkward attempt at an interview.

Lovitz had nothing funny to say, nothing interesting to say, nothing of anything to say, really. He just wanted to get off camera, and fast.

Depressing? On one hand, yes. But on the other, it was good to learn that Lovitz was getting work. Life after “Saturday Night Live” has been tough on so many comic actors.

Soon, Fox shoved another familiar face on the screen. Billy Bob Thornton.

He was there to provide earthy and edgy commentary as host of a segment called -- no kidding -- “All-Star Game Moments With Billy Bob Thornton,” which played like a bad “Saturday Night Live” skit within the bad “Saturday Night Live” skit FSN’s “All-Star Game Red Carpet Special” had become.

“Remember 1970?” Thornton growled. “They gave Yaz the MVP when it should have been Rose for flattening Fosse.”

Notice how Thornton mentioned three All-Star players in one sentence and didn’t use any of their first names? To Fox, that’s extremely earthy and edgy.

“In ‘46, Ted Williams hit two dingers,” Thornton said while another old highlight clip played. “One off Rip Sewell’s blooper pitch.” Cut to facial shot of Thornton, sporting requisite earthy and edgy soul patch.

“From then on,” he added, “Rip called Teddy Ballgame ‘one lucky son of a ... ‘ “

Thornton finished the sentence, and you didn’t have to be an expert at reading lips to know how he ended it, but Fox saved some decorum by bleeping the final offending word.

Fox didn’t get away so easily with Hughes’ red-carpet interview with Boston Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon.

“I would be doing the red carpet a disservice if I didn’t ask you about your wardrobe this afternoon,” Hughes said to Damon. Of course. Goes without saying.

Damon praised his designer, on camera, in his own inimitable fashion, saying his stylish suit proved that “You [can] polish a ... sometimes, as we like to say in this business.”

Damon used a word that cannot be printed in this newspaper, but there it was on Fox’s audio, loud and clear. Hughes did what she could to salvage the situation, telling Damon, “One of the reasons fans love you is because you just put it like it is.”

Some other things you ordinarily wouldn’t hear during an All-Star game pregame show:

* “You look fantastic!” (This was Fox reporter Josh Lewin to American League Manager Terry Francona.)

* “Hey, Rocket! What are you wearing up there?” (Fox host Chris Rose calling out to Roger Clemens.)

* “I know I make this shirt look a lot better than he makes it look.” (Chicago Cub first baseman Derrek Lee after being caught wearing a striped shirt very similar to Rose’s.)

There was more of this kind of nonsense, but a lot of it was drowned out by the sound of Ty Cobb spinning in his grave.

“This is a strange and unique way to come into a baseball stadium,” Arizona Diamondback outfielder Luis Gonzalez said, exercising about as much diplomacy as could be expected from a 37-year-old veteran.

Why do this?

Fox had its reasons, which became clear when two interview segments were devoted to Dominic Purcell and David Boreanaz, who, for the record, were not the All-Star representatives from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Milwaukee Brewers.

Purcell is starring in the upcoming Fox series, “Prison Break,” he’s Australian and he told us he was startled to recently learn that baseball actually evolved from cricket.

Boreanaz plays an FBI agent in the current Fox series, “Bones,” and turned up for his interview with Rose wearing a New York Yankee jersey. Yes, Boreanaz is a big Yankee fan. He had the jersey on, and it was autographed by Sheffield and everything.

Rose asked Boreanaz to pick one All-Star who would have made the best FBI agent.

Boreanaz hesitated, thought about it a moment, then finally answered, somewhat unconvincingly, “I’d say Riviera?”

Rose tried to help out the serious Yankee fan, suggesting that Boreanaz must have meant Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera.

Boreanaz nodded and said, “He could save it. He comes in.” As it turned out, Rivera did come in to save the American League’s 7-5 victory, but FSN’s All-Star pregame show was only nominally about the All-Star game. The truth was spilled when Thornton, in one of his segments, said, “All-Star game excitement? There’s nothing that compares.”

Pause for effect.

“Except maybe the premiere of ‘The Bad News Bears.’ Coming July 22 [and starring Billy Bob Thornton] to a theater near you.”