Playoff Fever at Staples? Don’t Bet Your Soul Patch

I’m not sure it’ll get any more exciting than this for Laker fans, playoff basketball Monday at Staples Center, Utah and Los Angeles going head to head for that all-important eighth spot. Goose bumps!

It’s 5:30, two hours before game time, and Craig Hodges, the old Craig Hodges who used to play for the Chicago Bulls, is warming up. I’d feel a lot better if it were one of the Lakers who is going to play in tonight’s game. This might be Devean George’s only chance to make a basket.

It’s 5:45, and Hodges has been joined by Kurt Rambis, and they are really working hard, and if they have an old-timers’ game, look out.

It’s 6:10, and Kobe Bryant is talking in front of his locker, and I’m sure he hates that, hates the way members of the media surround him, hates the questions, hates it that he’s hungry, a veteran, a champion, and hates it that he has to stand there because no one wants to talk to anyone else. Really hates the fact too, that no one in this group will probably buy his new shoes.

It’s 6:20, and Phil Jackson takes a seat behind the podium, a king on his throne overlooking the little people, and right away I want to know if His Lordship is excited about tonight’s playoff game.

He turns away, saying, “Anybody else have a question they’d like to ask?”

“You can’t handle that?” I reply, and I guess when you’re used to answering questions from Jack Haley, everything else seems tough.

“It’s 32 games before the final bell rings,” Jackson says. “Go ahead, someone else [ask a question].”

The Riverside Press-Enterprise’s Brad Turner, who says he could use a raise and would I please mention it in the paper, gives it a try. “That was my question too,” he tells Phil, and if he’s going to ask the same questions I ask, frankly, I see no reason for a raise.

“Is this a bigger game because it’s Utah, and you will be battling them for the eighth spot down the line?” I ask, knowing Turner is going to say, “Ditto.”

Jackson gives a sigh. He’s told me he doesn’t read the newspaper, and yet his PR guy says Jackson won’t do the father/daughter radio gabfest on Sunday mornings because I’m too negative. How would he know if he doesn’t read the paper? Guess I better watch what I say when talking to Vic the Brick on the radio, who by the way was wearing a very nice Laker blanket at the game.

“I don’t consider eighth place something that we’re vying for,” Jackson says.

“So what are you vying for?” I ask.

“We’d like to have the first spot -- that’s what we’d like to have.”

I break it to him gently. “That’s not likely.”

Phil says, “Mathematically, I don’t know if we’re eliminated yet or not from first place.” I’m thinking to myself, “Holy Kwame Brown,” but I don’t say it, because I don’t want him to think I’m negative.

I try another line of questioning, probably the same one Turner had in mind. “Do you think you need to make a trade to secure a playoff spot?”

Phil shakes his soul patch from side to side, and some people think he does nothing as the coach of the Lakers.

I get more specific. “With what you’ve got -- do you think you can make the playoffs?”

“Without a doubt,” he says, and I feel a little better knowing he thinks the Lakers have the eighth spot locked up, but when he’s finished his media briefing, I let him know how concerned I am that he doesn’t share my playoff excitement.

“Why don’t you get excited about college basketball?” he says, while walking away.

“Don’t drive me to it,” I say, and motivating our local coaches is just part of the job.

It’s 10:08, the Lakers win, the Lakers win. I’d ask Phil how it feels to clinch the eighth spot going into the All-Star break, but it’d be nice if Turner did some work.

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THE DODGERS released the following news release on Dec. 19: “The Los Angeles Dodgers announced today they have signed five-time All-Star Nomar Garciaparra...”

A day later they issued another release: “The Los Angeles Dodgers announced today they have signed six-time All-Star Kenny Lofton...”

I’d hate to think you can’t believe a thing the Dodgers have to say, but I heard the Dodgers still haven’t signed Lofton or Garciaparra.

“You’re correct,” a Dodger spokesperson said. “We’re still working on the contracts.”

Maybe so, but there was also talk the agents for the unsigned players were giving consideration to filing grievances with the players’ union.

My concern, of course, is the Boston Parking Lot Attendant has run out of money and is unable to make good on the signing bonuses until he can get some more deposits on season tickets.

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I KNOW this, if I get a hunting invitation from the McCourts any time soon, I’ll be busy.

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ANGEL FANS might be thrilled to know that Fox Sports Net is going to carry 150 Angel games this season, but that also means listening to Rex Hudler 150 times.

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THE OLYMPICS have no problem with the halfpipe, but don’t consider baseball an Olympic sport?

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A WEEK ago Casey Wasserman, owner of the Avengers, had a luncheon date set with Sports Editor Bill Dwyre. Then he received an invite to play golf with Tiger Woods and President Clinton, putting Wasserman in the incredibly difficult position of deciding whether to keep his appointment with Dwyre, or hang with Woods and Clinton.

Wasserman said he shot an 86.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.