Hey, That Was Some Kind of Cliche-Filled Pigskin Poppycock!

Pigskinus excessus is among the nation’s most powerful and least acknowledged diseases. It strikes gradually but powerfully, leaving its victim a babbling, incoherent mass of quivering flesh.

The symptoms are frightening. Behavioral changes are not quickly apparent, but eventually the victim begins using the cliche-ridden parlance of football announcers in real-life conversations. Phrases such as, “Hey, honey, that was some kind of pot roast!” become commonplace.

Still, I’m convinced that with a certain amount of willpower, the disease can be fought off. I would never end each spoken sentence with an exclamation point.

To prove it, here is a running account of one man’s attempt Monday morning, afternoon and evening at battling pigskinus excessus:

10 a.m.--NBC’s Bob Costas begins the 11-hour, seven-game, three-network marathon with an introduction to the Hall of Fame Bowl. He also informs us that a press conference concerning Houston Oilers Coach Jerry Glanville has just begun, and he says NBC will cut into its Hall of Fame coverage to let us know “as soon as possible” if Glanville’s job status has been affected.

10:03 a.m.--The voice of the day’s first play-by-play announcer is heard, and it sends a shiver up my spine. It’s NBC’s Don Criqui, the man who never met a cliche he didn’t like and who will represent a stern test in beating this debilitating disease.

10:33 a.m.--ABC introduces its Citrus Bowl announcers, Gary Bender and Dick Vermeil. OK. Pause, take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. The thought of Criqui and Bender on the air simultaneously borders on horrifying.

10:42 a.m.--Criqui, describing a touchdown reception by Illinois’ Steve Williams, says the receiver is “latching on to his fifth touchdown grab.” Here come the cliches! I mean, here come the cliches.

11:41 a.m.--Finally, after teasing its audience for 98 minutes, NBC addresses the Glanville situation. It shows a brief clip of the press conference, in which Glanville says his job situation is unchanged. Hey, nice scoop, guys.

12:35 p.m.--This is schlock television at its best. NBC’s sideline reporter, Jim Donovan, interviews two Alabama state troopers whose job is to escort Auburn Coach Pat Dye from the field to the locker room. Donovan spends about 30 seconds asking one of the troopers if this is a prestigious job, and he receives the revealing answer of, “Yessir.” Hey, that was some kind of incredible interview! . . . Did I say that?

1:32 p.m.--NBC begins its Fiesta Bowl coverage, with Charlie Jones and Merlin Olsen in the booth. Sideline reporter Jimmy Cefalo, who rarely offers anything of substance, starts off well, revealing that the field at Sun Devil Stadium is nothing more than “dirt painted green.” That was some kind of report, Jimbo! . . . I’m losing control, and four games haven’t even begun yet.

2:16 p.m.--What was that? The F-word at the Cotton Bowl? Sure was. As CBS tries to catch the postgame midfield handshake between coaches Johnny Majors of Tennessee and Ken Hatfield of Arkansas, CBS’ camera suddenly veers downward and the coaches are out of sight. Then someone else, apparently a photographer jockeying for position with the CBS cameraman, says the F-word right into the microphone. And let me tell you, that was some kind of obscenity! . . . I think I need help.

5:05 p.m.--NBC’s Olsen, with Florida State leading Nebraska 41-17: “It’s a shame somebody has to lose in a game like this.” Hey, that’s some kind of never-heard-before line, Merlin!

5:37 p.m.--Postgame handshake foul-up II, this time by ABC in the Rose Bowl. Seconds after Keith Jackson says, “Now let’s go to Mike Adamle on the field,” Adamle is heard saying, apparently to Michigan’s Bo Schembechler, “Coach, I’m Mike Adamle of ABC. . . . “ Then there is nothing, only the sound of photographers and announcers elbowing each other as if in a rugby match! Adamle is never heard from again! Hey, that was some kind of disappearing act, Mike! . . . This thing has me in its grip.

5:52 p.m.--It’s kickoff at the Sugar Bowl, with ABC’s Monday Night Football announcing crew of Al Michaels, Dan Dierdorf and, proving that two out of three isn’t bad, Frank Gifford. With the typical length of a Sugar Bowl halftime show, the conclusion of this game figures to coincide with Opening Day of the baseball season.

7:05 p.m.--With a scoreless tie at halftime of the Orange Bowl, NBC’s and soon-to-be San Diego’s Bobby Beathard predicts that Notre Dame will dominate Colorado in the second half. Bob knows football! That was some kind of analysis! I’m starting to sound like Don Criqui, and I’m scared.

9 p.m.--Some nice men in white coats just arrived! “He watched 11 hours of football today?” one of them asks my wife. They say they’re going to take me to a nice, quiet place, where there are no televisions! “You’ll like our place, sir,” another says. “It’s some kind of restful!”