A Fresher Look at the News

R eading between the datelines . . .

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Three days after receiving his release from the Cleveland Browns, Bernie Kosar signs a one-year contract with the Dallas Cowboys.

This must mean the Rams’ current quarterback situation is in better shape than the Cowboys’. I did not know that.

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MIAMI--One week after receiving his release from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Steve DeBerg signs with the Miami Dolphins.

This must mean the Rams’ current quarterback situation is in better shape than the Dolphins’. I did not know that.

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PHILADELPHIA--One day after receiving his release from the Chicago Bears, William “The Refrigerator” Perry signs with the Philadelphia Eagles.

Come on down, William. It’s OK. Buddy’s been gone for years. *

BURBANK--Staggered by chronic attendance problems at its European theme park, Walt Disney Co. reports a loss of $77.8 million for its fiscal fourth quarter, the first quarterly loss for Disney in nine years.

There goes that goal-scoring forward Jack Ferreira was looking for.

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PHOENIX--Only 8,143 turn out to watch the Mighty Ducks defeat the Dallas Stars, 4-2, in a “neutral-site” NHL game at America West Arena.

Tough week for Disney merchandise all around. But what do you expect from Phoenix? When it comes to expansion teams (i.e., the Cardinals) and mascots that kind of look like ducks (i.e., Charles Barkley), Phoenix has been there, done that.

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CHICAGO--Chicago White Sox first baseman Frank Thomas is named the American League’s Most Valuable Player by a unanimous vote, a feat unequaled even by 1993 National League MVP winner Barry Bonds, who placed first on 24 of 28 ballots.

Which goes to prove what we have suspected all along: Baseball writers prefer The Big Hurt to The Big Pain.

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ANAHEIM--Tim Salmon becomes the first Angel player to be named American League Rookie of the Year.

Right field is one position the Angels don’t have to worry about. Unlike the Dodgers, who would now like to say a few words about the chance of ongoing public-relations nightmare Darryl Strawberry opening the 1994 season on their roster: Let it burn.

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INGLEWOOD--The Lakers open their 1993-94 season with a starting lineup of Trevor Wilson, Antonio Harvey, Tony Smith, Nick Van Exel and Vlade Divac.

While the rest of the country obsesses over tie-dyed T-shirts, bell-bottoms, retro rock and movies about the last day of high school in 1976, Southern California basketball fans are a good 10 years ahead of the pack, already indulging in 1980s nostalgia.

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DALLAS--Cowboy quarterback Troy Aikman considers acupuncture as a possible treatment for his injured hamstring.

Acupuncture is a medical procedure involving long thin needles poked through the skin by a licensed physician. This differs from the standard Dallas Cowboy contract-negotiation procedure, which, according to Aikman, involves screws, a vise, a very hot lamp and Jerry Jones.

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LAS VEGAS--A para-gliding prankster interrupts the Riddick Bowe-Evander Holyfield heavyweight championship fight by dropping into the ring in the middle of the seventh round.

He could have killed someone, claims the president of HBO, the cable channel that will rebroadcast the fight Saturday night, but with only minimal air time given to the “stupid, idiotic stunt.” HBO, however, will televise every brain-jarring blow delivered by Bowe and Holyfield, who were merely attempting to pound each other into a state of drooling unconsciousness. That’s entertainment.

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ANAHEIM--The Rams have named Todd Kinchen as their starting holder for this Sunday’s game against Atlanta, replacing T.J. Rubley, who had replaced Mike Pagel.

Will this controversy never end?

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SOUTH BEND, Ind.--This year’s college football Game of the Decade will be this Saturday when No. 2-ranked Notre Dame plays No. 1 Florida State.

Prediction: Florida State by a field goal.

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VANCOUVER--Goaltender Kirk McLean stops 24 shots as the Vancouver Canucks shut out the Kings, 4-0, dropping the Kings to 1-6 in their last seven road games.

Afterward, Coach Barry Melrose was at a loss. “How can I motivate these guys?” Melrose thought to himself. “Especially now with Tony Robbins out of town for his annual teeth sand-blasting?” Then the light bulb flickered. Melrose arranged for a team viewing of that new inspirational sports movie in which one determined young man strikes out on his own to endure incredible personal hardship and overcome tremendous odds, with little or no help from his teammates. You know the one. It’s called “Hrudey.”