Now the Cardinal Fans Are Calling It ‘Cruddy Ball’ : Pro football: Ryan’s so-called offense in Arizona provides no excitement, only heartache.

Harold Gustafson has undergone two open-heart surgeries, and under the advice of his physician he is not to become too excited, which explains why he has season tickets to watch the Arizona Cardinals.

“What’s to jump up and down about?” said Gustafson, who resides in Scottsdale. “You just know what they are going to do: Two runs up the middle, throw on third and 10 and then call on the punter to root it out of there.

“It’s just pathetic what’s happening here. [Defensive end] Clyde Simmons is a joke. I could beat him in a 50-yard dash, and I need oxygen to get around.”

Two years ago the locals rushed the Cardinals’ ticket office upon the hiring of Buddy Ryan to coach their hapless team. The first words out of Ryan’s mouth were: “You’ve got a winner in town.” Season-ticket sales doubled.

Now the fans call Arizona football “Cruddy Ball.” And after the Cardinals’ 0-2 start, they were booing Ryan’s picture on the scoreboard and saying, “We got a loser in town.”

Last season, the Cardinals opened 0-3--a Ryan trademark. While coaching at Philadelphia and Arizona, his teams have been 6-16 in September,45-29 the remainder of the season.

“I thought he would turn the program around, but my God, they have no offense,” Gustafson said. “No nothing. No imagination. Six minutes into the second quarter he’s pulling Dave Krieg. I was just sick. The people around me couldn’t figure out what he was doing.”

“It’s terrible. I’d get Sid Gillman and show Buddy how to run an offense. Do something.”

Gillman, 83, former Ram, Charger and Houston Oiler head coach and the original designer of the West Coast offense, was watching films of the 49ers’ offense when contacted this week.

“No. 1, you have to have an offensive-minded coach,” Gillman said. “Here’s the problem today: These owners go out looking to hire a coach and they invariably hire a defensive coach. They say defense wins games. I can’t accept that.

“You can’t have an offense unless you have an offensive-minded coach.”

Ryan knows defense, but as for offense. . . . Ryan has told reporters that he knows as much about offense as Bill Walsh because he’s had to diagram defenses against the league’s best offenses for 30 years.

” “This guy knows flat zero about offense,” Gustafson said. “You should have heard the boos. People were yelling, ‘Go back to Kentucky and your horse farm and take your two kids with you.’ He’s got his two kids coaching with him, and I have no idea what they do.

“The highlight of last year was beating Cincinnati. You talk about dull; there’s no way I could get overly excited about this team.”

Before Ryan’s arrival the Cardinals scored 326 points; last season the team scored 235--second lowest in the league. This season they have 26.

“And now they don’t have a defense,” Gustafson said. “I watch his TV show and he’s just like Nixon; he won’t answer the question. He goes around and around.”

The Cardinals rank 27th on defense, last in stopping the run, and today they take on Barry Sanders and the Lions in Detroit.

“I’ve gone to 15 Super Bowls over the years so I have something to look forward to this year,” Gustafson said. “The game is in Sun Devil Stadium this year and I hope to be there.”

As for the Cardinals, “They might be there too, sitting next to me.”

ON TV

* UNSTOPPABLE

St. Louis (2-0) at Carolina (0-2), Channel 11, 10 a.m.: The love fest in St. Louis is out of control. A statue of Stan Musial stands outside Busch Stadium; the suggestion has been made to put up a Georgia Frontiere likeness outside the new TWA Dome. Carolina can’t sell out its first game in Clemson Stadium.

Book it: The Rams have lost the third game of the season five consecutive years.

* SHELL GAME

Oakland (2-0) at Kansas City (2-0), Channel 4, 10 a.m.: Pregame festivities include watching Art Shell, former Raider head coach. Will he shake hands with Al Davis? Marcus Allen needs 28 yards to become the fifth player in NFL history to run for 15,000 yards. The Raiders’ commitment to consistency: They haven’t won in Arrowhead Stadium since 1988.

Silence is silver & black: Do you think Davis ordered Coach Mike White to refrain from talking to media this week?

* DEION WATCHING?

New England (1-1) at San Francisco (2-0), Channel 4, 1 p.m.: Jerry Rice is 98 receptions away from breaking Art Monk’s all-time record of 934 catches. The Patriots’ Will Moore, a CFL import, is now only 823 behind Rice. In two games against the Patriots--before Bill Parcells--Steve Young completed 30 of 39 passes for 422 yards with five touchdowns.

Amazing: New England quarterback Drew Bledsoe is the only AFC starting quarterback without a touchdown pass.

* SCRIMMAGE

Dallas (2-0) at Minnesota (1-1), TNT, 5 p.m.: The Cowboys don’t look like a team that needs Deion Sanders. The Vikings do. Minnesota’s pass defense ranks No. 26 in the league. Dallas has been inside its opponents’ 20-yard line eight times and has scored eight touchdowns. Emmitt Smith is on a pace to gain 2,216 yards, topping Eric Dickerson’s NFL-record OF 2,105.

Impressive: The Vikings are struggling on defense, but since 1992 they have more interceptions (72) and more defensive touchdowns (17) than any team.

MAGIC OR MIRAGE?

Cincinnati (2-0) at Seattle (0-2): If the Bengals win, keep this in mind: 10 of the last 11 AFC teams to open season 3-0 have advanced to the playoffs. The best rating for any quarterback in fourth-quarter play is Cincinnati’s Jeff Blake. The second worst overall is Seattle’s Rick Mirer.

Quarterback muggers: The Bengals didn’t get a sack until the fourth game last season; they already have 11 this season.

MAKE OR BREAK

San Diego (1-1) at Philadelphia (1-1): The Charger bandwagon is headed for a cliff if the Eagles soar; A Charger loss drops the team two games behind the Raider-Chief winner. Linebacker Junior Seau has four solo tackles; nine teammates, including backup Glen Young, have more.

Running Watters: Ricky Watters played the Chargers twice while with the 49ers. He was limited to three yards per carry but scored four touchdowns.

Chicago (1-1) at Tampa Bay (1-1): Only Jacksonville’s and Carolina’s quarterbacks have been sacked more than the Buccaneers’ Trent Dilfer (eight times). If Dilfer gets time, he’ll be matched against the league’s No. 28 pass defense. The Bears are also the worst team in stopping opposition on third down.

History says: The Bears win. Chicago has won eight of the last 10 games and holds an overall 26-8 edge.

Washington (1-1) at Denver (1-1): (Meaningless) stat of the year: Washington ranks No. 3 overall on offense with Heath Shuler and Gus Frerotte at quarterback. (Meaningless) stat II of the year: The Redskins lead the NFL with 5.6 yards per rush.

Favorite target: Bronco wide receiver Anthony Miller has 100 or more yards in five of the last seven games.

Indianapolis (1-1) at Buffalo (1-1): The Colts can’t decide which quarterback to start: Craig Erickson or Jim Harbaugh. It’s not as if they are picking between Steve Young and Joe Montana. The Colts are the only team without a sack on defense, which sets up a big day for Jim Kelly and Andre Reed.

Flipper beached: Former Ram receiver Flipper Anderson will miss the rest of the season because of a knee injury.

Cleveland (1-1) at Houston (1-1): The home-field disadvantage goes to the Oilers, who lost two more players (safety Marcus Robertson and linebacker Al Smith) on the Astrodome rug. The Oilers have/had the No. 1 defense in the league. The Browns rank last running the ball, but they have Vinny Testaverde (510 passing yards) playing the same position Otto Graham once played.

Secret weapon: Houston running back Gary Brown has averaged 151 rushing yards in his last two games against the Browns.

GAME MUST GO ON

Arizona (0-2) at Detroit (0-2): The Cardinals are averaging 13 points a game, the Lions 15, and the loser of this one can pack it in for a long winter’s nap. Detroit’s Barry Sanders ran for more than 100 yards in six of eight home games last season, and now goes against the worst rush defense in the league.

Defensive collapse: Arizona’s defense allowed the fewest points in the fourth quarter last season (45); this year they’ve already given up 21.

Jacksonville (0-2) at N.Y. Jets (0-2): The Jaguars have allowed 11 sacks, which explains why Mark Brunell will start for Steve Beuerlein (knee) at quarterback. If the Jets fall to the expansion team, look for tabloid newspaper headline: DISBAND!

Discipline: Rich Kotite’s Eagles were the most penalized team in the NFC a year ago; Rich Kotite’s Jets are now the most penalized team in the AFC, along with Steelers.

NOW I LAY ME DOWN . . .

Atlanta (1-1) at New Orleans (0-2): Falcon quarterback Jeff George is hobbling; Bobby Hebert is ready. Atlanta ranks last in pass defense. So what? The Saints have Jim Everett at quarterback. Morten Andersen gets a chance to remind the Saints of the blunder of the year: Setting Morten Andersen free.

Domination: The Saints have won 13 of the last 16 games against the Falcons and have scored at least 29 points in the last three victories over Atlanta.

N.Y. Giants (0-2) at Green Bay (1-1): The Giants expected to get receiver Mike Sherrard back (ribs); they need Phil Simms more. Brett Favre’s 611 passing yards and 88 attempts lead the league, but when the Packer quarterback starts throwing the ball around, it doesn’t always go to players on his team.

Uh-oh: Reggie White has more sacks against the Giants (20.5) than any other team.