Punch Lines

Flat-taxer turns flat-liner: “I guess a college education really is expensive these days,” says Paul Steinberg. “Steve Forbes just spent $25 million for his education from the Electoral College.”

* “Toward the end, his rallies weren’t what they used to be. You know you’re in trouble when your opening line is, ‘Hey, where are you going?’ ” (Alan Ray)

* “Forbes is endorsing Bob Dole, but what Dole really wants is for Forbes to endorse a check in his name and hand it over.” (Paul Ecker)

Pat Buchanan vows to walk out of the Republican convention if Colin Powell is selected to be Dole’s running mate. Says Alex Kaseberg, “So now Dole has to figure out whether there’s a downside to picking Powell.”

* Adds Ecker, “Powell’s still playing coy. That’s all Dole needs at age 72--a reluctant Colin.”

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In the news: The Liggett Group cigarette company will pay millions over the next 25 years to settle a health-related lawsuit. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Angry investors should have read the Surgeon General’s Warning: Smoking Causes Stock Prices to Drop and May Complicate Dividends.”

An alternate juror in the Whitewater trial shows up for court sessions dressed in a “Star Trek” costume. Says Cutler Daily Scoop, “Now playing: ‘Kenneth Starr Trek: The Wrath of Cons.’ ”

The Walt Disney Co. has abandoned plans to buy baseball’s California Angels:

* “League officials refused to allow them to inflate ticket prices, force fans to stand in 3-mile-long serpentine lines and dress the umpires as Snow White’s dwarfs.” (Bob Mills)

* “They decided to go to England and buy the Jiminy Cricket club.” (Cutler)

* “So, it looks like the Mets will remain the league’s most Mickey Mouse organization.” (Kaseberg)

There’s a simple explanation for China’s aggressive actions this week, says Kenny Noble. “It’s the Year of the Rat--and Taiwan is the cheese.”

Says Mills, “Taco Bell is introducing an overstuffed, half-baked ham burrito guaranteed to leave a bad taste in your mouth. They’re calling it the Dana Carvey.”

Oscar-nominated director Mel Gibson has returned to the set of his new film after a quick appendectomy. Says Steinberg, “Boy, this gives a whole new meaning to ‘director’s cut.’ ”

Repair work has begun on a huge Hollywood sinkhole, says Kaseberg. “ ‘Waterworld’ came out on video.”

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Back when her two small daughters were growing up, recalls reader Kay Fisher of Palm Springs, her family owned a small Shasta travel trailer. The first winter, they were looking for a place to store it. Fisher’s husband was explaining their needs to the manager of a trailer park. “We don’t take transients,” the manager said. Up spoke daughter Kathy, 5:

“But we don’t have a transient. Ours is a Shasta.”