Don’t Need Video to Get the Picture

Sports movies I’d like to see:

“Dude, Where’s My Car?”--Albert Connell, accused of stealing money from a New Orleans teammate, graduates to a new hobby.

“Behind Enemy Lines”--Chester McGlockton jumps offside for the 432nd time this season.

“When a Stranger Calls”--Tired of waiting by the phone and begging it to ring, Jacksonville Coach Tom Coughlin finally takes the initiative and dials Notre Dame. Luckily, the school has caller ID and doesn’t pick up.

“Message in a Bottle”--Cleveland fans find a new way to bestow player-of-the-week honors on Kordell Stewart.

“Gone in Sixty Seconds”--Tony Siragusa, a silo with a head, scoops up a fumble and rumbles 30 yards for a touchdown.

“Up in Smoke”--The Nate Newton story.

“White Men Can’t Jump”--The Arizona Cardinals add a clause to kicker Bill Gramatica’s contract.

“In the Line of Fire”--A day in the life of referee Terry McAulay.

“Chicken Run”--Another day in the life of McAulay.

“Vacation”--The ink on his $75-million deal still damp, Randy Moss puts his feet up for a new football season.

“The Green Mile”--Chris Weinke starts a drive from the Carolina 20.

“Midnight Cowboy”--Dallas coaches finally knuckle under and send Emmitt Smith onto the field in a “Monday Night Football” game.

“Das Boot”--Carolina gives George Seifert der pink slip.

“The Phantom Menace”--Al Davis tries to send down a play from the press box, but Jon Gruden turns off his headset.

“As Good as It Gets”--Panthers petition to end the season at 1-0.

“One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”--Peyton Manning, who leads the league with 21 interceptions, asks an Indianapolis assistant to chart his passes.

“Toy Story”--Chargers forget to wind up Doug Flutie.

“What Lies Beneath”--Geraldo Rivera returns from Afghanistan to dig up the Giant Stadium end zones.

“Full Metal Jacket”--Jeff Garcia finds an effective, if somewhat cumbersome, way to protect his sore ribs.

“Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”--But, other than that, why were the Jets mad at Damien Robinson?

“The Sixth Sense”--I see dead people. Oh, wait, that’s Cleveland’s offense.

“All Dogs Go to Heaven”--There’s hope for Ryan Leaf, after all.

“They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”--Jim Irsay has a plan for rebuilding the Colt defense.

“Liar, Liar”--George O’Leary seeks greener pastures. NFL execs like the cut of his jib.

“Lawrence of Arabia”--Having worn out his welcome in NFL Europe, Lawrence Phillips moves on to the next league ready to give him a chance.

“Outside Providence”--Saint owner Tom Benson finds a supportive corporate atmosphere for his team.

“Remember the Titans”--Eddie George doesn’t.

“You Can Count on Me”--Eddie Kennison makes a pregame speech to his Denver, oops, Kansas City teammates.

“The Crying Game”--The history of Kleenex in the NFL, narrated by Dick Vermeil.

“Terms of Endearment”--Jim Haslett tries to convince officials that his favorite two-word retort is actually Cajun for “That was an accurate call, my friend.”

“The World Is Not Enough”--Argentina’s president quits. Word is, Buenos Aires wants Raiders’ Jon Gruden.

“12 Angry Men”--Desperate to stop the run, the Raiders resort to a curious new strategy.

“When We Were Kings”--Mike Holmgren and Seifert get together to talk about the old days.

“Tin Cup”--Bob Christian’s dad intercepts the latest pass headed for Diane Chandler’s head.

“Stop Making Sense”--The three words Eric Dickerson will never hear.

“The Sound of Music”--”Problem no fine I’m,” says another rubber-kneed receiver, trying to shake off a collision with Rodney Harrison.

“Singles”--Yet another NFL star breaks a 20 at the Gold Club.

“My Left Foot”--Carmen Policy finds something else to cram in his mouth.

“Seven Years in Tibet”--Jeff George finally signs a long-term deal that makes everyone happy.

“Telling Lies in America”--Jim Fassel makes another guarantee.

“Runaway Bride”--Ricky Williams finally hits his stride. Turns out his feet were getting tangled in the wedding gown.

“Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead”--Broncos plan for January.

“L.A. Confidential”--Vowing it will be a win-win for everyone, the San Diego Chargers exercise the “team-shopping” clause in their lease.

“From Here to Eternity”--A glance back: In the giddy afterglow of a Charger Super Bowl appearance, City of San Diego officials agree to buy back any unsold tickets for a reasonable amount of time.

“O Brother, Where Art Thou?”--Looking to build a coaching staff, Marty Schottenheimer falls back on a familiar hiring strategy.

“Fight Club”--Party at Plaxico’s!