Apparently, It Takes More Than Talk to Be Like Phil

I want to be like Phil.

I want to master the art of doing nothing, look good doing it, then get credit for doing just the right thing before writing a book to explain the genius behind what I did.

I want to drop hints in Chicago newspapers, and while I wouldn’t be as bold as Phil and use the word “sabotage” to describe the new design of Page Two by the Tribune Co., I’m sure I would be just like him and have to apologize later.

I want to be like Phil and get cozy with the boss’ daughter, because Dwyre didn’t invite me to her wedding Saturday, and that’s probably not a good sign.

I want to try dating a former Playboy model, although I would think wrangling a permission slip from my wife might be a little more difficult than winning seven NBA Championship rings.

I want to be like Phil and have everyone think I know everything. I do, and yet I’m the one who gets the negative e-mail.

I want to have Jeanie pick out what I wear, but that gets back to that Playboy thing, and who am I kidding--it’s Target sales and whatever my wife selects.

I want to be like Phil, who overcame the loss of Isaiah “J.R.” Rider to win 15 consecutive games. Without Dodger Boy, it’s been hit and miss.

I want to have experts like Tex Winter, Bill Bertka, Jim Cleamons and Frank Hamblen help me instead of editors.

I want to be like Phil, but Plaschke wins all the awards.

I want to favor my taller daughter, and although I’m going to have trouble convincing my other daughter to give her sister everything she wants, she has to understand who has the chance to make the big money here.

I want to be like Phil and not crack up every time Robert Horry throws a fit. That’s got to be hard.

I want to have steady hands work for me like Rick Fox, Derek Fisher and Horace Grant. I’d like to boss somebody around. I guess you could say I want to be like Dwyre.

I want to be like Phil and have someone do the grocery shopping for me so I don’t run into you know who.

I want to be like Phil and have a soul patch. I’d have to glue it on.

I want everyone to hang on my every word instead of everyone wanting to hang me for my every word.

I want to say something nice about Kobe Bryant, but Phil beat me to it--I just figured if I did it sometime before the end of the season I’d get it done before him. He surprised me.

I want to wear earplugs at home--boy, do I want to wear earplugs at home.

I want to be like Phil, all right, but unless David Letterman and Jay Leno take turns writing my column for me, I’m Rick Adelman.

PHIL’S THE man, as Jeanie would say, and I’m not about to argue.

Until the Lakers lose a game.

And if I have to wait until next season, that’s OK.

THE SPARKS cut Abby Garcheck, Beth Record, Melissa Sanford and Pepi Valeta. And I never had the chance to see them play.

ASKED ABOUT where he might play next season, an irritated Chris Webber told reporters in Sacramento he hadn’t made up his mind.

“If you don’t believe me, forget you,” Webber said. “You can fill in the blank with the word I really wanted to use, but it’s just going to take a lot of prayer.”

I’m told all the reporters prayed real hard for the word that Webber really wanted to use, but he still wouldn’t use it.

MARQUIS GRISSOM, used much of the time as a leadoff hitter for the Dodgers, has been to bat 84 times this season and hasn’t walked.

Andy Ashby, a pitcher, has been to the plate three times and not only has a walk, but an on-base percentage more than 400 points higher than Grissom.

I’M WORRIED about Plaschke--he’s telling everyone he is a broom.

But he probably will win another award for that column.

WASHINGTON WIZARD forward Michael Smith has been suspended for the opening game of the 2001-2002 season for driving while intoxicated three months ago.

Charles Barkley is expected to start in his place.

JEFF COBLE, using his trusty crankbait, successfully defended his All-American title in the Bass Fishing League and won $100,000 recently on Lake Hamilton in Hot Springs, Ark.

There’s talk now that Vince McMahon will take over, introduce cheerleaders in swimsuits and frogmen with cameras and put the BFL on TV next year. McMahon hopes to use the entire alphabet in an effort to find something that works.

THE GOOD news is Jose Canseco’s team, the Newark Bears are tied for first place in the Atlantic League, which beats playing for the Angels. The bad news is that Canseco is hitting .233, and has struck out 11 times in 30 at-bats.

Former Dodger Jim Leyritz, by the way, is hitting .364 for Newark, and maybe he should be playing for the Angels.

WALLAHATCHIE BECAME the first known horse in North America to be considered both a longshot and a favorite in the same race--and win.

Times’ handicapper Bob Mieszerski, a noted chalk player with 53 winners at Hollywood Park to date, picked Wallahatchie to win the sixth race Monday.

And Times’ handicapper Curtis Crayon, noted for picking horses that have no chance to win and who has done so remarkably in 156 of the 163 races, also selected Wallahatchie.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Irv:

“Has it ever occurred to you that most of us would prefer reading about athletes and athletic contests--not sportswriters and their mixed-up families?”

I’ll put you down for a “no” as far as dating my older daughter.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com