GAME OF THE WEEK

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, THEY’D RATHER BE IN OAKLAND

Oakland at Philadelphia, 1:15 p.m., CBS. While watching the Eagles on Monday night and wondering “Whatever happened to Freddie Mitchell?” you’d have stumped fewer in the room with this one: “Whatever happened to Jon Gruden, Rodney Peete, Bobby Hoying, Eric Allen and William Thomas?” Ex-Eagles all, they return to Veterans Stadium as members of this week’s Favorite to Represent the AFC in the Next Super Bowl, the Oakland Raiders. Barring, of course, a 450-yard total-offense performance by Donovan McNabb today, in which case the title falls to the Pittsburgh Steelers, at least until Monday night.

The line: Philadelphia by 11/2.

HERE’S ONE MORE: MARSHALL FAULK’S MOM WEARS ARMY BOOTS

New Orleans at St. Louis, 10 a.m., Fox. Seeing as how the Rams went 1-2 against New Orleans last season, and the Saints haven’t done much popping off this week, you have to believe Mike Martz is scrambling for motivational fodder right about now. Let’s see if we can help the coach out. How about: “St. Louis, you’re one arch short of a McDonald’s.” Or maybe: “Trung Canidate? Running back--or the last two words misspelled at last year’s National Spelling Bee?” Or: “Lovie Smith? I don’t know, sounds like a finesse kind of guy to me, if you catch my drift.”

The line: St. Louis by 12.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE SEVEN INTERCEPTIONS IN ONE GAME AGAINST THE CLEVELAND BROWNS MAKES

Cincinnati at Detroit, 10 a.m. Here he goes again, Charlie Batch must have thought as soon as Detroit Coach Marty Mornhinweg ordered the Lion quarterback to stop throwing this week and take two days off of practice. “He’ll play,” Mornhinweg assured all. “He’s got a little tendinitis in his shoulder, that’s all.” Relieved, Batch joked about his two-day holiday with reporters: “When the head coach says, ‘Don’t throw,’ you don’t throw.” As Ty Detmer can tell you.

The line: Detroit by 3.

SYLVIA PLATH NEVER PULLED PUNCHES LIKE THAT

Jacksonville at Baltimore, 10 a.m., CBS. Why the Dennis Miller experiment has failed, in a sound bite: Asked by ESPN’s Chris Connelly for his opinion of Raven linebacker Ray Lewis, Miller prattled on about “Nobody runs to the ball faster” and “Nobody plays harder” and “You can see why Billick’s in love with him.” And then Miller--incendiary, acerbic cultural observer who earned a shot at the “Monday Night Football” gig because of a reputation for no-holds-barred social commentary--squirmed in his chair, looked away and mumbled, “The other stuff, the off-the-field, obviously, I don’t know enough to comment.”

The line: Baltimore by 7.

A ROLLING MOSS WHO GATHERS NO TOUCHDOWNS

Minnesota at Tampa Bay, 10 a.m. A little NFC Central humor: Linked up on a media conference call, good friends Randy Moss and Warren Sapp messed around a bit, with Moss at one point pretending to be a reporter and asking Sapp how the Buccaneers planned to defend Moss this week. “Well,” Sapp replied, “Randy Moss is not our No. 1 concern.” Funny, how come the Vikings aren’t laughing? Moss is off to the worst start of his career--29 catches, 13.6 yards-per-catch average, only one touchdown. Viking Coach Dennis Green calls it “a little bit of a slump.” And Giants 41, Vikings 0 in the NFC final was a little bit of a loss.

The line: Tampa Bay by 3.

DIDN’T THE RAM GAME TEACH HIM ANYTHING?

New York Jets at Carolina, 10 a.m. Three yards and a cloud of dust? Stop taunting Carolina Coach George Seifert, whose ungrounded Panthers rank dead last in the NFL in rushing with an average of 72.5 yards. And that was before Tim Biakabutuka broke his foot, turning the starting running back position over to Steeler castoff Richard Huntley, who is averaging 2.3 yards in 12 attempts this season. Trying to guard his team against overconfidence, Jet Coach Herman Edwards told reporters, “We need to win this game. These guys are about as good as us.” For his next act, presumably, Edwards summoned Curtis Martin into his office to offer a formal apology.

The line: New York by 21/2.

BEER BONGS, HOWEVER, WORK THE SAME EITHER PLACE

San Francisco at Chicago, 10 a.m. After years and years of fielding a team that might finish 12th in the Big Ten, the Bears have finally figured it out. “You’ve got to get young guys in and ready to play,” Chicago General Manager Jerry Angelo explained to the Chicago Tribune. “There isn’t a redshirt year in the NFL. You can’t redshirt your blue-chip prospects.” That’s one difference between college football and the NFL. One more: In the NFL, you pay your players over the table.

The line: Chicago by 21/2.

SMILE, JIM. IT’S ONLY FOOTBALL

New York Giants at Washington, 1 p.m. Word is Giant Coach Jim Fassel was so distraught after Monday’s 10-9 home defeat to the Eagles that he refused to go home and stayed in his office all night. Fassel--and this is no news flash to anyone who has ever spent five minutes with him--needs to loosen up. He needs to be more like his star defensive end, Michael Strahan, who watched Philadelphia’s McNabb uncork a high floater that was easily picked off by a Giant and then chortled on the sideline, “Ma, I need some more Chunky Soup!”

The line: New York by 71/2.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, IT’S GRIST FOR A STEPHEN KING NOVEL

Arizona at Dallas, 1 p.m. In Dallas, Cowboy management could be taking the concept of cutting quarterbacks a little too literally. Quincy Carter was lousy, so under the knife he went. Had to repair a hamstring, the Cowboys said. Anthony Wright wasn’t much better, so he’s headed for arthroscopic surgery on his right knee. Next up: Clint Stoerner, who’d better find a way to beat the Cardinals or watch out for sharp objects. Because after him is Ryan Leaf. And no one has the stomach for that. The line: Arizona by 3.

THROWING BLEDSOE TO THE WOLVERINES

New England at Denver, 1:15 p.m. So Drew Bledsoe’s backup, Tom Brady, is 3-1 in four starts and starting to get the Nomar Garciaparra treatment around New England. “I don’t think Tom is quite ready for Canton yet,” says New England Coach Bill Belichick, trying to calm the frenzied masses. But ready for the No. 1 job full-time? Brady’s old Michigan teammate, Brian Griese, thinks so. “Tom’s been playing smarter football than Drew was,” Griese says. “That’s why they’re winning.” No comment, yet, on the situation from Elvis Grbac or Todd Collins.

The line: Denver by 7.

THE DREADED VOTE OF CONFIDENCE

Miami at Seattle, 1:15 p.m. Today, Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren goes back to starting Matt Hasselbeck over Trent Dilfer, a decision he explains away thusly: “The quarterback-decision thing, I’m not going to be crazy about it. I think I have a vision, but I’m also aware that Trent played two fine games. I do believe in Matt, but he has to play well. I’m not going to sacrifice the season to say I was right. I’m way beyond that in my life, believe me.” In other words, Trent, keep warm.

The line: Miami by 21/2.

RESISTIBLE FORCE MEETS MOVABLE OBJECT

Tennessee at Pittsburgh, Monday, 6 p.m., ABC. In which Tennessee, the 30th-ranked pass defense in the league, meets up with Pittsburgh, the 30th-ranked passing offense in the league. Imagine the possibilities: Titan DB trips on a ketchup logo, falls flat on his face, Kordell Stewart overthrows him. Titan DB gets back up, blows his nose in his hip towel, Stewart hits him in the side of the head. Third down, Stewart drops back to pass, Jerome Bettis says, “I’ve seen enough--gimme that!” and grabs the ball and throws a touchdown pass that is called back because of too many buffoons on the field, or general principle, one or the other.

The line: Pittsburgh by 3.