Read Between the Lines on Baseball Fans’ Threats

This time we really mean it! (No we don’t).

This time if you walk, we walk (No we won’t).

Beware of our ominous placards: “If You Strike, I’ll Never Forgive You,” “Fehr the Reaper,” “Three Strikes and You’re Out.”

We’re fighting mad (We’re bummed).

Listen up, baseball boneheads: You thought we were saps for coming back, like stray cats to a milk pan, after you guys wiped out the 1994 World Series.

We are not saps! (We are saps).

Well, 1994 was different (It was not different).

See, after 1994, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire lured us back with their fairy-tale pursuit of Roger Maris’ home run record.

You won’t luck out this time (You’ll luck out).

Sosa-McGwire was a once-in-a-lifetime thing (What would you call Barry Bonds’ pursuit of Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record?).

Fool us once, shame on you; fool us twice, shame on us (Fool us 20 times, it doesn’t matter).

We won’t stand for another strike (We’ll stand for it).

We won’t pay $8 for a hot dog (We’ll pay $10).

We won’t watch any more games (You mean, seriously, no more Vin Scully?).

We won’t come back to the park (Unless you’re giving away free plastic fielding gloves or hollow-core baseballs).

Read our lips: You Walk, We Walk (But, gee, I’m 44, just had my high school mitt re-laced and last week knocked over an old lady trying to catch a foul ball).

We’re done funding your stadiums (Unless you put a swimming pool with a slide in center field!).

We won’t seek your autographs (Unless our favorite player’s signing Saturday at the local appliance store).

Go ahead and strike (For the love of God, don’t).

See if we care (We care).

Make our day (Make a deal).

News item: Oregon pays $40,000 to plaster poster of three Duck players on building in downtown Los Angeles.

Second thought: USC trying to reassemble “dirty tricks” pranksters to toilet-paper Nike boss Phil Knight’s house.

News item: Pro bowler Kim Adler using EBay to auction off eight square inches of ad space on her skirt.

Second thought: Oregon trying to work out a deal to get a little publicity for its shortest player.

News item: College football season begins.

Second thought: If Bud Selig were in charge I suppose he’d demand a luxury recruiting tax on Miami, Oklahoma, Florida State and Nebraska, with the extra players going to Kent State, Rutgers, Temple and Duke.

News item: Jeremy Bloom gives up skiing endorsements to play football at Colorado.

Second thought: Just double-checking here, NCAA: It is OK for Oregon to exploit players for promotional purposes, for Washington State to put quarterback Jason Gesser’s likeness on the side of a grain silo, yet Bloom can’t model pants for Tommy Hilfiger?

Yeah, that seems fair.

News item: New York Post gossip columnists report Tiger Woods and “gal pal” Elin Nordegren spent two days in Los Angeles early last week before “the duo flew out of Los Angeles in his private jet to an unknown destination.”

Second thought: Sources close to a television guide, speaking on the condition of anonymity, tell Second Thoughts that Tiger and “pal” were probably headed off to Seattle, where Woods was playing in this week’s NEC Invitational.

News item: Shaquille O’Neal says he’s sorry he missed Chick Hearn’s funeral and a charity event in Orlando, Fla.

Second thought: Next five stops on Shaq’s damage control tour: Larry King, sit down with Barbara Walters, kiss and tell with Diane Sawyer, walk-on with Jerry Lewis over Labor Day, photo op with Mister Rogers.

News item: Toe surgery may force O’Neal to miss start of regular season.

Second thought: Not sure what to make of this. Will consult five specialists and get back to you in 70 days.

News item: Texas A&M; football media guide refers to rival Texas Tech as “classless clowns.”

Second thought: This could start a new publicity trend:

Auburn: “Alabama’s on Probation--We’re not! (yet)”

Florida: “Our Coach Not an AARP Member.”

Florida State: “No More Visor Boy, What Now?”

Oklahoma: “What’s the Problem, Mack?

News item: Should Alex Rodriguez win American League most valuable player award?

Second thought: No. He’s the best player in baseball, but it was his choice to leave a pennant contender, Seattle, for the Texas 12-step program. Forget numbers. In 1988, the Dodgers’ Kirk Gibson was the National League’s MVP with 25 home runs and 76 runs batted in--and deserved it. How can Rodriguez win the MVP for leading Texas nowhere?

News item: Steve Spurrier states in NFL questionnaire that Rollie Dotsch was the toughest coach he faced.

Second thought: You have to love this guy. In 12 years at Florida, Spurrier squared off annually against Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden, second on the all-time major college victory list behind Joe Paterno. And Spurrier says Dotsch is the toughest coach he has faced?

Dotsch, for the record, once coached the United States Football League’s Birmingham Stallions. His overall record: 38-16.

More from Spurrier’s questionnaire: Most Memorable Football Moment: “Florida 52, Florida State University 20 to win the 1996 National Championship.”

Well, naturally.

News item: ESPN to air 25,000th edition of “SportsCenter.”

Second thought: Have programmed VCR to tape only the commercials.

News item: Orthopedic specialist affiliated with Boston Red Sox treats Angel Tim Salmon’s slow-to-heal left hand.

Second thought: Hmmm. Angels and Red Sox are locked in heated race for wild-card spot. Salmon visits rival team’s doctor. Angels are lucky Salmon’s not in a body cast.

News item: Bowden passes Bear Bryant on college football’s win list.

Second thought: Had Florida State blown that 24-point lead to Iowa State, Seminole players would have been doing Bear crawls back to Tallahassee.

News item: Jose Canseco faces trial on aggravated assault charges.

Second thought: Flash forward to 2003 Sports Illustrated cover: “Canseco estimates 85% of prisoners on steroids.”

News item: UCLA tackle Bryce Bohlander loses $6,000 in WorldCom.

Second thought: You think that’s bad, Bruin Coach Bob Toledo has all his stock invested in CoryPaus.com.