Golf Carts Full of Terrorists and Other Modern Hazards

I was all set to run out to Palm Desert to investigate a possible terrorist threat Tuesday when another one surfaced off the coast of Southern California near Santa Catalina Island. By midday, I was frozen in place, a victim of fear and loathing in the new world.

As someone who has seen the movie “The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming,” about 600 times, I had a mental picture of terrorists commandeering the Wrigley mansion on Catalina, but being put down in the end by the saber-rattling Avalon militia, led by characters resembling Paul Ford and Michael J. Pollard.

But before I take you to Avalon, let’s go to Palm Desert.

George Lauer, 77, had sent along a note from out there, informing me that residents of his seniors’ apartment complex were warned by management to be on the lookout for suspicious activities and possible terrorists.

“Nonspecific terrorist threats could exist within apartment communities,” read the warning. “We urge you to be on the alert for any unusual or suspicious activity.”

Mr. Lauer, who used to be an international tour operator, was simply not convinced that Al Qaeda terrorists would try to infiltrate a housing complex occupied primarily by retirees like himself. Furthermore, he was upset about “little old ladies” being unduly alarmed, as he told me by phone.

The big event of their day, Lauer said, was watching for the mailman. There’s no telling what nerve damage has been caused by asking them to be on the lookout for Bin Laden’s army.

“Everyone’s becoming paranoid,” Lauer said, speaking not just for Palm Desert, but the nation at large.

I agreed that it was most likely an overreaction. But then came news of a report that 40 Al Qaeda terrorists steamed toward the Southern California coast in May, armed and dangerous, with a plan to stop near Santa Catalina Island before launching an attack on Los Angeles.

FBI officials said they checked out the report, which was based on intelligence, and found nothing to substantiate it.

But wait a minute.

How do you get around on Catalina?

By golf cart, of course, because cars are banned on the island.

And how do you get around Palm Desert? Well, it’s a golf mecca, and a lot of folks are never out of their golf carts.

Coincidence?

Perhaps. But guess what the name of Lauer’s apartment complex is.

Catalina Gardens!

I have the chills.

“It’s not enough to make me leave the island, but it’s a little scary,” Lupe Sanchez said from Avalon when I asked what she thought of her tiny island being dragged onto the international stage.

She was working alone as a receptionist at the Santa Catalina Co., which is owned by the Wrigleys, and didn’t know the scuttlebutt on the rest of the island.

That’s exactly how it was in “The Russians Are Coming.” People were isolated, and the enemy took advantage.

I called Avalon Liquor & Gifts, where a clerk named Connie said she hadn’t heard a thing.

“You’re kidding me,” she said when I filled her in. And then she added, “I have a suspicious-looking guy in here right now. Sir, do you have some ID?”

Over at the Chamber of Commerce, President Wayne Griffin hoped potential tourists wouldn’t get the idea that terrorists had raised a flag on Catalina. The island is in the middle of its “Buffaloes in Paradise” promotion.

What’s that? I asked.

“We have 25 life-size fiberglass buffaloes decorated in a whimsical fashion.”

I’d keep an eye on the buffaloes. We all know the story of the Trojan horse.

Now look, I don’t mean to diminish the possibility or seriousness of actual threats. If a ship can drop 10 Chinese refugees into the surf off Newport Beach, as happened last month, there’s no telling what’s possible on our western flank.

One thing that’s so absurd about Palm Desert and Catalina as launch sites for acts of terror is that a small piece of you says: Wait a minute, maybe it’s possible--a two-pronged attempt to break our spirit.

But let’s keep our heads.

“Should we all be concerned about something happening in Southern California? You bet,” said Griffin, Catalina’s chamber chief. “But the enemy wants us to get all worked up and wonder if there’s an explosion around every corner.”

And yet, in “The Russians Are Coming,” the Russians actually landed on the fictional New England island (a.k.a. Mendocino, Calif.).

If you’ve forgotten the plot of the 1966 anti-war movie, the islanders ultimately bond with the Russians, a soldier falls in love with a blond beauty, and a ragtag local armada escorts the Reds safely back to their grounded sub, ending the threat of nuclear holocaust.

If only they made movies, and wars, like they used to.

*

Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes.com