For Those of You Keeping Score at Home, Wake Up!

This final just in from Arena football: Los Angeles Avengers 62, Carolina Cobras 32.

Meanwhile, in World Cup action, eight countries combined to score four regulation goals in 360 minutes of quarterfinal play, an average of one a game.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that--if you’re Irish or in charge of scoring summaries.

News item: Germany defeats the United States, 1-0, in World Cup.

Second thought: We still lead in World Wars, 2-nil.

News item: Germany defeats United States, 1-0, part II.

Second thought: One oblong football-obsessed American’s view on our “remarkable” World Cup performance:

If South Korea doesn’t beat Portugal, the U.S. doesn’t even get out of its group, doesn’t beat Mexico and doesn’t launch another discourse on whether soccer can make it here as a major sport. (I say soccer comes up short, 5-3, on penalty kicks).

Actually, soccer should have won our hearts over, 1-0 in regulation, but an Egyptian referee negated the goal and, unfortunately, there is no instant replay.

Continuing, if the U.S. doesn’t escape its group, scribes might be asking what’s wrong with our soccer, not what’s right with it.

Corner-kick note: Poland fired Coach Jerzy Engel over the weekend after his country’s “dismal” showing in the World Cup. The last game Engel coached was a victory against the U.S.

Of course Americans went berserk over our quarterfinal advancement. We’d root for the U.S. over Germany in a three-legged sack race. But was it the soccer that made us watch or the jerseys in play and the international stakes?

Reality check: Soccer’s going to have a tough time putting a pipe into our mainstream, and it’s nobody’s fault. Our fall sport is American football and eventually our lads have to choose sides.

This is an arms war; the difference being you can use both arms in American football.

Soccer is a perfectly legitimate sport--except for the part about not being able to use your hands unless you’re a German defender guarding the goal in a really critical World Cup quarterfinal moment.

For many Americans, though, soccer will continue to be worthy only of a quadrennial peek, the same rah-rah USA! look we give ice hockey in Olympic years.

That doesn’t mean, after the Germany loss, some of us didn’t flip through channels looking for “Combat” reruns.

News item: Germany beats the United States, Part III:

Second thought: Seriousness aside, we offer some suggestions to make soccer more popular in the U.S.:

* Limit American players to one name: Take the best of Brazil and incorporate it into our game. Starting at midfield for the United States, Billybobaldo.

* Steroids: They’ve done wonders for baseball. Baseball was a bore in the 1960s when Sandy Koufax and Bob Gibson tossed 1-0 soccer scores all the time.

Baseball eventually lowered the pitching mounds to increase scoring but that didn’t have nearly the impact trips to Tijuana and Coors Field had on the game.

Or, maybe you missed the New York Yankees and Colorado Rockies combining for 70 runs in a recent three-game series.

Soccer will need to hire baseball players’ union boss Don Fehr to fight for the constitutional right not to be randomly steroid tested; the upside will be free kicks that knock the bratwurst out of German goalkeepers. * Award six points for a goal. American football has duped fans for years by awarding six points for one touchdown, making games appear much more action-packed than they actually are.

Apply the points system to this year’s World Cup and Germany’s 8-0 win over Saudi Arabia translates to 48-0. Now there’s a score Steve Spurrier can get worked up over.

Americans like big things, like Monster trucks and Oprah. I’m only suggesting here that we super-size soccer.

* Broadcast games in a foreign language. Soccer is more exciting in Spanish than English. Is there any argument on this?

News item: Asteroid the size of a “soccer field” misses Earth by 75,000 miles.

Second thought: NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue has suggested that asteroid would be the perfect place to stage future World Cups.

News item: Area golf course offers players on-course prostitutes during recent tournament.

Second thought: Consider no longer innocuous the following golf phrases:

Honey, I’m off for my lesson with the club pro.

Mind if we play through?

Bob, I think I have an unplayable lie.

Don’t forget to sign your scorecard, Bill.

Hey, you’re standing in my line!

News item: Tiger Woods wins U.S Open at Bethpage Black.

Second thought: Juan Carlos Barkley, Spain’s most outspoken athlete, tells “Sporto de las Illustrated” he believes the USGA’s decision to lengthen this year’s U.S. Open course to a record 7,214 yards was a racially-motivated ploy to keep Sergio Garcia from winning.

News item: Woods hailed by many as best-ever golfer.

Second thought: He’s headed down that cart path, but wouldn’t it be nice if someone provided a measuring stick, preferably a two-iron?

In terms of greatness, Woods has already surpassed Jack Nicklaus in the minds of many, but let’s do a whoa here. Nicklaus not only won 18 professional majors, he finished second 19 times.

Unlike Woods, Nicklaus scrounged for his major wins against guys who weren’t afraid to stand up to him on Sunday. Nicklaus’ contemporaries included Arnold Palmer (seven majors), Gary Player (nine majors), Billy Casper (three majors) Tom Watson (eight majors) and Lee Trevino (six majors). Woods’ most serious threats have come from Garcia (El Grippo) and Phil Mickelson (El Zippo).

News item: Tiger Woods ranks No. 2 behind Britney Spears on Forbes’ Celebrity 100 list.

Second thought: Forbes says it all came down to who had the better back swing.