10 royal baby parenting tips for Prince William

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The newborn Prince of Cambridge leaves St Mary’s Hospital with his parents the Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. (John Stillwell / AFP/Getty Images)

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The newborn Prince of Cambridge leaves St Mary’s Hospital with his parents the Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. (John Stillwell / AFP/Getty Images)

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Britain’s Prince William and wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, hold the Prince of Cambridge outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London where the duchess gave birth Monday. The royal couple are expected to head to Kensington Palace with their son, the third in line to the British throne. (BEN STANSALL / AFP/Getty Images)

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Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, holds the Prince of Cambridge outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London where she gave birth Monday. (Andy Rain / EPA)

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Britain’s Prince William and wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, hold the Prince of Cambridge outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London where the duchess gave birth Monday. (Lefteris Pitarakis / Associated Press)

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Britain’s Prince William and wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, hold the Prince of Cambridge outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London where the duchess gave birth Monday. (Scott Heavey / Getty Images)

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Prince William and Kate show their newborn boy to the world’s media, leaving the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital in London. (Leon Neal / AFP/Getty Images)

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Britain’s Prince William and wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, leave St. Mary’s Hospital in London with their son, the Prince of Cambridge. (Oli Scarff / Getty Images)

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Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s new-born baby boy, the Prince of Cambridge, is introduced to the world’s media outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London on July 23, 2013. (Carl Court / AFP/Getty Images)

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The Prince of Cambridge is seated in his fride from St. Mary’s Hospital in London wherehewas born Monday. (Peter Macdiarmid / Getty Images)

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Britain’s Prince William and wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, leave the hospital with their newborn son, the Prince of Cambridge. (Andrew Cowie / AFP/Getty Images)

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Britain’s Prince William and wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, leave the hospital with their newborn son, the Prince of Cambridge. (Chris Jackson / Getty Images)

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Prince Charles, the Prince of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, arrive at St. Mary’s Hospital in London to visit their new baby grandson. Britain’s Prince William and his wife Kate on Tuesday thanked staff at the hospital where their baby son was born, as the world waited for a name and, hopefully, a glimpse of the future king. (Ben Stansall / AFP/Getty Images)

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Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall arrive at The Lindo Wing to visit The Duke and Duchess Of Cambridge and their newborn son at St. Mary’s Hospital in London. (Chris Jackson / Getty Images)

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A police officer tries to control people trying to take pictures of a notice proclaiming the birth of a baby boy to Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge at Buckingham Palace in London. (Sang Tan / Associated Press)

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People look through the railing of Buckingham Palace in London at a public notice proclaiming the birth of a baby boy to Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge. (Sang Tan / Associated Press)

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Carole and Michael Middleton, right, parents of the new mother, arrive at at St. Mary’s Hospital to visit the royal couple and their grandson. (Andy Rain / EPA)

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The Changing of the Guard continues as scheduled outside Buckingham Palace. International messages of congratulations poured in for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge following the birth of the third in line to the throne. (Will Oliver / AFP/Getty Images)

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Well-wishers wave flags outside the hospital after the birth of the royal baby. (Andy Rain / EPA)

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The Tower Bridge serves as a backdrop as a 62-gun salute is unleashed from the Tower of London in honor of the arrival of the new prince -- 21 because it is a royal birth, 20 because the tower is a royal palace and 21 for the city of London, according to the BBC. (Justin Tallis / AFP/Getty Images)

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Royalist Terry Hutt reads a newspaper reporting of the birth of the newest member of Britain’s royal family outside St. Mary’s Hospital. (Justin Tallis / AFP / Getty Images)

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Self-proclaimed town crier Tony Appleton announces the birth of a baby boy to Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, on Monday outside St. Mary’s Hospital in London. Catherine, 31, gave birth to their first child at the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital. Meanwhile, hundreds of royal baby-watchers, journalists and photographers waited outside in anticipation of the royal birth. (Andy Rain / EPA)

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The head of news at the royal household, Ed Perkins, leaves the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital with the medical bulletin about the birth of the royal baby in west London. Prince William’s wife, Kate, gave birth Monday to a baby boy who is in line to inherit the British throne, Kensington Palace said in a statement. (Andrew Cowie / AFP/Getty Images)

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Members of the world’s media gather outside the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital in London as the Duchess of Cambridge goes into labor. (Chris Jackson / Getty Images)

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A pregnant Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge meets children during an April visit to Naomi House hospice in Sutton Scotney, Winchester. (David Parker / AFP/Getty Images)

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A bookmaker’s board shows the odds for royal baby gender and names outside St. Mary’s hospital in London. (Rick Findler / EPA)

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Crowds of tourists gather on the steps of the Queen Victoria Memorial Statue outside Buckingham Palace in central London. (Justin Tallis / AFP/Getty Images)

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Members of the public gather outside St. Mary’s Hospital as the Duchess of Cambridge goes into labor. (Peter Macdiarmid / Getty Images)

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The media set up outside the hospital anticipating the birth. (Chris Jackson / Getty Images)

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Terry Hutt shows his British pride outside the hospital. (Andrew Cowie / AFP/Getty Images)

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Reporters and photographers gather outside St. Mary’s Hospital. (Peter Macdiarmid / Getty Images)

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A sea of cameras is aimed at the hospital. (Lefteris Pitarakis / Associated Press)

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Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, attending the National Review of Queen’s Scouts at Windsor Castle in April. (Olivia Harris / AFP/Getty Images)

By Paul Whitefield

July 25, 2013 6 AM PT

It was quite something to see Prince William and his wife, Catherine, trot out their newborn son this week. I mean, they looked to all the world like regular parents, with William buckling the little one and his car seat into the back of the royal Range Rover, Kate beside the baby, and then William driving off.

Just like the rest of us, right?

Of course not. But it was charming to see the royal couple acting, if only for the cameras, like Will and Kate, nervous new parents. Naturally, we assume that behind the scenes, these two will have plenty of help. But who knows? It’s the 21st century; perhaps they really will go it -- mostly -- alone.

FULL COVERAGE: Royal baby born

In which case, they’ll need some real-world parenting advice. Which is where I come in. I’m a parent. I have two sons. They’re mostly grown up now, making me as much of an expert as anyone, regardless of what all those books -- and my often-exasperated wife -- would have you believe.

One caveat: I only know how to be a dad. So this is just a man-to-man, dad-to-dad talk -- words of wisdom for Will to bring up little George Alexander Louis. Call ‘em the Dad Rules:

Do not, under any circumstances, get up in the middle of the night when the kid cries. Never. Do it once and you’re doomed. Kate will wake up anyway. If you do too, neither of you will get any rest. You’ll be grumpy. She’ll be grumpy. One of you might as well get a good night’s sleep, and it might as well be you.
Go ahead and change a few diapers, especially when he’s really little. It makes you look good, and it’s easy. However …
… Stop changing diapers when George starts on solid foods. Just trust me. I once gave my son Oreos with his bottle of milk. What came out later closely resembled asphalt. You don’t want to deal with that.
Start the discipline early. You give them an inch, they’ll want a Range Rover at 12. He may be a little prince, but you better treat him like a footman or he’ll be on the cover of every tabloid at 20. (Just Google “Prince Harry” and “Las Vegas.”)
Remember, though, that parenting is a tug-of-war between you and your wife and your child. And you want to be the good guy. Let her be the disciplinarian. All boys love their mothers anyway.
If there’s a soccer equivalent to AYSO in Britain, under no circumstances should you volunteer to coach, and that goes double for being a referee. It’s not a chance to bond with your son; it’s months of whiny kids and their whinier parents. You may both be kings someday, but as a soccer coach, you’ll be an idiot and your kid will be playing only because you’re the coach. And refereeing is the 9th circle of hell.
Christmas, followed by his birthday, are the best times. It is your chance to buy him the toys you always wanted and didn’t get, or did get but didn’t get enough of: Remember that RC helicopter? Kate will think it’s cute, and you’ll get to play with all that cool stuff.
There’s no such thing as too much TV, as long as it’s sports. And action movies. And inane comedies. “SportsCenter” never gets old, and neither does “Airplane!” And you can watch any of the “Die Hard” movies a million times -- just not when Kate is around.
When he’s old enough, teach him to drive yourself, and teach him on a stick shift car. He’ll thank you for it. I don’t know why. But you’ll be his hero for life, without even trying.
Finally -- and fortunately, this is a long way off -- as he gets older, George will get interested in girls. They will not dress appropriately. They will not remind you of his mother. There is nothing you can do about this. Except be glad George wasn’t Alexandra.

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