Defenseless Nittany Lions Picked Up Losing Habit in Hurry : THE COLLEGES

Although Penn State’s Joe Paterno gave a rousing speech in support of George Bush at the Republican National Convention last summer, the odds are that Bush won’t choose the coach as his Secretary of Defense. Especially after the Not-Any Lions gave up 51 points to West Virginia.

However, honors are coming Penn State’s way. With clutch, closing losses to Pitt and Notre Dame, the Not-Any Lions posted their first losing season, 5-6, in 50 years. And they registered the most points on the Bottom Ten’s exclusive Fan-Disappointment Index to win the coveted Bottom Ten season title.

The Shorthorns from the University of Texas at El Austin (UTEA) finished a close second, followed by such struggling entities as the Miamis (U.S.), the Big Ten and the University of Virginia’s Cavalier, who recently broke the arm of the University of Maryland’s Terrapin during a mascot free-for-all.

The injury to Maryland’s turtle symbol led Baltimore columnist Mike Littwin to speculate that the school’s vow next year will be: “Win One for the Snapper!”

The Final Rankings*:

Team, Record Last Week Bowl 1. Penn St (5-6) Idle ---- 2. UTEA (4-7) 24-28, Tex. A&M; ---- 3. Miamis** (9-11-1) d. Ark., 18-16 Orange 4. Illinois (6-4-1) Idle All-American Indiana (7-3-1) Idle Liberty Iowa (6-3-3) Idle Peach Michigan (8-2-1) Idle Rose Mich. St (6-4-1) Idle Gator Minn. (2-7-2) Idle ---- N’west (2-8-1) Idle ---- Ohio St. (4-6-1) Idle ---- Purdon’t (4-7) Idle ---- Wisconsin (1-10) Idle ----

14. (Tie) Washington Coach Don James (fired his long-time offensive coach after a disappointing 6-5 season) and Duke Coach Steve Spurrier (suspended for a game for blasting officials); 16. Arkansas (0-1 against Top Twenty teams); 17. Arizona State (outscored by opponents, 277-192); 18. Virginia’s hooligan mascot; 19. How Am I Ranking? (phone 1-800-BUM-TEAM); 20. USC (0-6)***.

* Based on a survey of disgruntled fans, fired coaches, bitter third-string players, ex-Miss Americas-turned-sportscasters, former members of Nielsen households, and one Electoral College voter.

** Combined records of Miami (Fla.), (Ohio), and (N.Y.).

*** Record against Notre Dame since 1983.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Idle.

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Idle.

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: UTEP (10-2), Virginia (7-4), Wake Forest (6-4-1), Columbia (2-8).

THE PROS Time for the annual Super Bowl Champ Fadeout. Like the New Jersey Giants last year, the Washington ‘Skinned plummeted below .500 and seem a sure bet to make the Bottom Ten pro playoffs.

The ‘Skinned fell, 13-17, to Cleveland as Bernie Kosar, the Browns’ fleet-footed quarterback, increased his rushing total to 26 yards over 4 years. If Kosar can maintain that pace, he should pass Walter Payton, the NFL’s all-time leading ground-gainer, in about 2,569 years.

New Orleans, with 3 losses in its last 5 games, also has its eyes on the Swoon Conference crown. The competition is fierce because the members of the eventual pro Bottom Ten champs have been promised a spot on the “Geraldo” television show, where they will mud-wrestle a team of Howard Cosell look-alikes.

Hence you can understand the frustration of Pitt Bay coach Chuck Noll at his team’s third-place status in the Bay Conference. “The difference between winning and losing is not very much,” Noll said. “A mistake here, a mistake there . . . “ He was apparently explaining how the 3-10 Steelers could really be 0-13 with a little luck.

The Rankings: Swoon Conference*

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. ‘Skinned (1-3) 13-17, Cleveland Philadelphia 2. Lambs (0-4) 24-35, Denver Chicago 3. N.J. Jets (1-3) d. Miami, 38-34 Kansas City

* Records in November. Others receiving votes (in alphabetical order): New Orleans (2-3 after a 7-1 start; get those paper sacks ready Aints fans!).

Bay Conference

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Alamo Bay (2-11) 17-25, Houston Cleveland 2. Grampa Bay (5-21)* Dropped Two 2 More 3. Pitt Bay (3-10) d. K.C., 16-10 Houston

* Merged team of Green and Tampa Bays.

Land Conference

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Detroit (3-10) 0-23, Minnesota Grampa Bay 2. K.C. (3-9-1) 10-16, Pitt Bay N.J. Jets 3. Entire AFC West ---- ----

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Green Bay (2-11) at Detroit (3-10).

SPECIAL CITATION: Remember the no-announcers NFL game of a few years ago. Denver staged the No-Beer Bowl against the Lambs Sunday. The Denver concessionaire’s license had been suspended for a game after an employee was caught serving a minor.

OVERLOOKED STATISTICAL LEADER: Raiders defensive end Mike Wise knocked Seattle quarterback Dave Krieg’s mouthpiece 7 yards Monday night to lead all maulers in that category.