THE HIGH SCHOOLS / STEVE ELLING : A Batch of Remedies for That Morning After

The doctor is in.

No appointment necessary.

We have the Rx for what wrecks you. Not only do we make house calls, we have home delivery.

We offer the prep panacea, define the cause and offer the cure stemming from Friday football overindulgence.

Directions: Consume on an empty stomach (might cause nausea). Known to promote drowsiness in some, dizziness or disinterest in others.

Dear Doctor Doom,

I went to a Granada Hills game Friday night and couldn’t help but notice the ear-splitting, grating, bleating sound coming from the field. Darn bag of wind.

Personally, I think co-Coach Darryl Stroh is a breath of fresh air. It’s those bagpipes in the marching band that I can’t stand.

Granada Hills came away with nothing but a handful of air against Kennedy on Friday, losing, 14-0. The Highlanders hadn’t been blanked for the past 89 games, since a 34-0 loss to San Fernando in 1983. Only once in the streak were they held under seven points.

Antidote: Throw the ball more often and get rid of those green-plaid kilts on the boys in the band.

Dear Dr. Doom,

I need a remedy for what is ailing me. I’m an Alemany fan. My team has played well in several close games, yet remains winless at 0-5-1. Have they flatlined?

Prognosis: The patient definitely is not terminal. Next week, the scrappy Indians will face St. John Bosco, which was 1-3-1 entering Saturday night’s game against heavily favored Loyola.

Sure, Alemany fell, 14-13, to St. Paul on Friday when the Indians’ two-point conversion pass failed with 29 seconds to play. But it was the right call, no question.

OK, so the week before, the Indians lost, 24-21, to Canyon when a fourth-down play failed at the Cowboy 27-yard line. Once again--consider these odds--there were 29 seconds left.

In a 14-14 tie with Bishop Montgomery in Week 3, Alemany’s 37-yard field-goal attempt sailed wide as time expired. Evidently, the capital A in Alemany’s school logo stands for “Almost.”

Dear Dr. Doom,

Saw in the paper where Glendale Coach Don Shoemaker said the highly regarded Muir Mustangs (5-1) did not achieve their current status by having “11 Gumbys on the field.” This remark came after Muir spanked Glendale, 41-0, Friday. Muir is pretty good, huh?

Either that or Glendale had 11 Pokeys on defense and several Blockheads on the sideline.

Dear Dr. Doom,

I hear that Crespi coaches were peeved that a local newspaper didn’t rank the school among the top 10 area teams of the 1980s, even though the Celts won the Big Five Conference title in 1986. Longtime Crespi assistant Larry Cummings said, “No Celts in the Top 10? Come on!”

Outrageous, a definite oversight. My prescription: Take a deep breath and count to 11.

Dear Dr. Doom,

After his team took apart Saugus, 42-13, Friday, a Hart player said he didn’t think the unbeaten and high-powered Indians can be stopped. Hart is 6-0 and burying everyone in sight. Who gets the credit? Is it those wily Herringtons?

Could be, though I can’t tell them apart. According to the profiles in the Hart team program, Mike is the head coach, Rick is defensive coordinator and Dean is offensive coordinator.

Each brother is single, has four letters in his one-syllable first name, lists golf as his main hobby, parts his hair from left to right and wears a mustache that is about an hour’s growth from Rollie Fingers territory.

Dear Dr. Doom,

A few weeks ago, North Hollywood was the talk of the town after jumping to a 3-0 start. Rarefied heights for a team that was outscored, 348-11, in 1991. After a 20-7 loss to Van Nuys, the Huskies are 3-3. What gives?

Appears to be a weight problem. North Hollywood was held to only 120 yards. That’s not Husky, that’s anorexic. Also, they were penalized 15 times for 154 yards, enough yellow flags to cause jaundice.

Dear Dr. Doom,

A buddy says this is a so-so year for college talent in the region, but he thinks that a kid named Tarik is a real prospect. Clue me in.

His opinion is correct. Running back Tarik Blair of Village Christian has rushed for 720 yards and six touchdowns.

Oh, yeah, and the other one--preseason All-American tailback Tarik Smith of Oak Park--has run for 383 yards and six touchdowns.

Dear Dr. Doom,

My favorite guy on TV is that sportscaster from ESPN, the one who uses all the nicknames for players. Must be hundreds of possibilities for local high schoolers, eh?

True, but some are too easy. The best ones are less obvious. . . .

Quarterbacks: Sean (Double-O-Seven) Connelly of Canyon, record-setting Eric Bennett (Heck, He Broke It) of Simi Valley, Steve (Win Some, Lose) Saum of Nordhoff, Larry (Speed) Bumpus of Oxnard and (Where Have You Gone?) Don DiDomizio of Rio Mesa.

Running backs: Ibn (Working On The Railroad) Bilal of Sylmar, Leitualasa (One-Man Paragraph) Malieitulua of Notre Dame, Ron Botley (Crue) of Poly and R.J. (Rudyard) Kisling of St. Bonaventure.

Great matchup: Defensive back Rommel (Desert Fox) Butler of Royal against receiver Dwight (The General) Patton of Sylmar.

Sometimes, the best names need no “nick,” as is surely the case with Grant strong safety Tom Ouch.

Dear Dr. Doom,

A couple of weeks ago, El Camino Real looked dead in the water. After Friday’s 16-0 win over Cleveland, though, ECR is tied for the North Valley League lead at 2-1 with Granada Hills and Kennedy.

How do you account for this sudden resuscitation?

Coaches hauled ECR into OR for CPR and a dose of O2before their championship hopes were DOA.

For those without medical backgrounds, this means the coaches breathed life into the game plan and went to an air attack. Quarterback Ryan Venturine passed for 174 yards and tossed his first two scoring passes of the year.