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The Tall and Short of World of Sports

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This is my last timeout before Chris Webber goes first in today’s NBA draft, followed by some of the biggest creatures I’ve seen outside of a Spielberg movie:

--I guess the thing that scares me about Gheorghe Muresan of Romania is that 7-foot-6 Shawn Bradley is not the tallest guy available.

--It occurs to me that I have seen only two people larger than Gheorghe Muresan. One was played by Boris Karloff, the other by Fred Gwynne.

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--Gheorghe Muresan is five inches taller than Kareem (Pee-Wee) Abdul-Jabbar.

--Shaquille O’Neal accidentally breaks backboards. Gheorghe Muresan accidentally breaks scoreboards.

--The hot rumor around is that in his stocking feet, Gheorghe is only 7-6 1/2.

--Bulls’ General Manager Jerry Krause doesn’t want to sign him. He wants to climb him.

--Shawn Bradley should wear 76 as his 76er uniform number. It’s his height, it’s the name of his team and it’s his inseam.

--I wonder if Muggsy Bogues’ insurance policy covers him for: “Accidentally Stepped On.”

--Muggsy’s going to feel as if he wandered into “Gulliver’s Travels.”

--If Orlando went for that kid from New Orleans with the 26th pick, he’d be the Magic’s Ervin Johnson.

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--I hear Michael J. Fox’s new movie about Michael J. Jordan is called “Life With Nike.”

--It’s about this kid who bets big money on miniature golf.

--Never having seen Toni Kukoc in person until recently, many in Chicago were shocked to discover that she was a woman.

--I just bought a new pair of Air Paxsons.

--We’ve gone six days without a stupid Charles Barkley quote. The record is seven.

--Phoenix would have had a ticker-tape parade, except Phoenix doesn’t have a ticker.

--According to a Wall Street Journal classified ad, a 1.88% interest in the Raiders is for sale. By a weird coincidence, that’s what Marcus Allen had last season--a 1.88% interest in the Raiders.

--Marcus and Joe Montana are so old, they were at Arrowhead Stadium when they dug up the original arrowheads.

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--Maybe Steve Beuerlein should have stuck around Dallas for the Troy Aikman Super Bowl postgame report.

--The bad news in Dallas is, Aikman, Nolan Ryan and Jose Canseco can’t throw a ball from here to there. The worse news is, neither can the Mavericks.

--Aikman’s back is so bad, he probably couldn’t beat Buffalo today by more than 20 points.

--Ryan got hurt water-skiing. Canseco got hurt pitching a baseball. Why do I feel I have these stories reversed?

--Carlton Fisk brings new meaning to the sentence: I hope he catches on somewhere.

--Do you ever stop to think that the Dodgers right now could be trying to catch St. Petersburg?

--I was going to ask Barry Bonds of the Giants for a minute of his time this week, but I was broke.

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--Bonds reminds me of Willie Mays in every way, except at least Mays said hey once in a while.

--Having seen John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams, not only would I not want to meet the Phillies in a World Series, I wouldn’t want to meet them in a dark alley.

--Well, you can take Anthony Young off your Rotisserie team. He’s done.

--Anthony couldn’t buy a W if he played for Pat Sajak.

--The more I watch the Atlanta Braves and that pitching staff of theirs, the more I think it’s the best second-place team money can buy.

--The Padres are about to play in San Diego Mike Downey Stadium. Management is under orders to dump Jack Murphy for a cheaper sportswriter.

--Wimbledon begins to interest me now. My first rule of tennis is, no tournament gets interesting until it runs out of Maleeva sisters.

--I have this nightmare in which the year is 2020 and Martina has advanced to the quarterfinals.

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--The Dodgers and Wimbledon have something in common. Buy Strawberries, get creamed.

--Oh, and nice tennis courts they have over there: I’ve seen better grass in the Pontiac Silverdome.

--I’m only picking on the English until they learn how to beat us in soccer.

--Andre Agassi was so right. Ever since I shaved my chest, I look better, I feel better and I type faster.

--Both the Lakers and Clippers feel terrible about today’s draft because they are bound to be stuck with somebody 7-5 or smaller.

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