Skewed Views From This Perspective

Downey’s California:

--Don’t you wish you could have been nearly blown to bits so that Vince Coleman could have sent you some valuable autographed Vince Coleman souvenirs?

--Some day, when she’s a lot older, little Amanda Santos will be able to sell her Vince Coleman collection for hundreds and hundreds of pennies.

--Still, I’ll bet Tom Werner would give her three Padre players for it.

--We will see what kind of equal justice there is in Los Angeles if first-time offender Coleman gets a longer prison term than Stacey Koon or Laurence Powell.

--Don King must be licking his lips over the possibility of a George Foreman-Nolan Ryan bout.

--Ryan is one of those baseball troublemakers who gets into a fight like clockwork every 45 years.

--This Coleman business would never be tolerated if Bill White were alive today.

--I wish Davey Johnson would give Jose Rijo back his squirt rifle. Dodger fans don’t mind players aiming water at them.

--What do Cincinnati pitcher Tom Browning and Red owner Marge Schott’s dog have in common? Playing on artificial grass.

--If Browning disagrees with an umpire’s call by saying, “Far out, man!” you might know why.

--New Baltimore Oriole part-owner Tom Clancy is hard at work on his new book: “The Hunt for Mr. October.”

--You think Reggie Jackson’s bust at Cooperstown doesn’t resemble him? Hey, let’s see you try doing eyeglasses in bronze.

--Someone nominated Reggie for commissioner. Reggie Jackson’s first act as commissioner would be to rename the Most Valuable Player award the Reggie Jackson Award.

--His Hall of Fame speech was slightly longer than his home-run trot, 24 minutes to 23.

--Tony Gwynn’s six-hit game probably means the Padres can get four minor leaguers for him.

--As soon as I saw that fire at Atlanta’s stadium, I thought: Where is Deion with that bucket of water when you need him?

--I like this Dodger rookie, Raul Mondesi. Sounds like a fine white wine.

--Magic Johnson’s team won his charity game, 181-179. He must be playing for Paul Westhead again.

--I hear Shaquille O’Neal had 45 points. I figure 22 dunks and a free throw.

--Well, I guess Chicago, Phoenix, New York and everybody else can forget about the 1994 NBA championship, now that Portland’s got Chris Dudley.

--Excuse me (and him) for living, but I’d still enjoy seeing Magic play for the Lakers again. Full time, part time, any time.

--There is an actual golfer on the women’s tour named Robin Hood. I keep picturing her playing in tights.

--UCLA dropped men’s swimming? UCLA? UCLA without swimmers is like Kentucky without horses.

--By the time Alabamans get through with Gene Bartow, he’ll be applying to UCLA to coach swimming.

--Janet Evans did just great at the Olympic Festival. How old is she now--39? 40?

--Speaking of old, remind me to ask Jackie Slater of the Rams what it was like playing against Bronko Nagurski.

--The Ram game film this season will be called: “Free Flipper.”

--To heck with the Skins Game. Let’s get Nicklaus, Price and Faldo together and have a Nicks Game.

--If Michael Jordan joins the PGA Tour, do newspapers have to start listing the top 10 money losers ?

--John Daly and John Olerud have something in common. Both hit from 375 to 400.

--Some pro-am in a year or two ought to pair Tiger Woods with Jeremy Irons.

--Dan Fouts said during his NFL Hall of Fame speech: “I know John Unitas, and I’m no John Unitas.” Darn right you’re not. Too much hair.

--Hey, Steinbrenner: Brooklyn, the Bronx, same thing. I’m beginning to like the sound of the Los Angeles Yankees.

--Only one thing scares me about Iraq fielding a team in next summer’s World Cup soccer tournament in the United States. I keep picturing Saddam Hussein in the stands, doing the wave.

--I love the Raiders. Great coach, great team. Good seats at low prices. There, can I come to camp now?