Tritons’ Gym Looks Like E.R.

Tonight on “M*A*S*H,” see Ed “Hawkeye” Coyle perform triage.

The scene: Coyle, San Clemente’s second-year basketball coach and amateur physician, wanders through his gym/trauma center shouting, “Season-ending injuries on the left, guys who’ll limp back next week on the right.”

A lanky kid, teary-eyed, asks: “Dr. Coyle, please help.”

“What’s your problem?”

“Shin splints.”

“Wait your turn, we have real-life, TV-type, gut-wrenching dramas to deal with here, kid. Next!”

*

Name: D.J. Reynolds, 6-foot-9 center.

Ailment: Torn ligaments in knee. Thought rehab would cure it. It didn’t. Had surgery. Out for season.

Coyle: This really hurts our inside game. This is our biggest loss.

Oh, just wait Ed, just wait.

Name: Joey Harrison, 6-5 forward.

Ailment: No one really knows. Hurt back during the summer. Thought it was a broken vertebra. Wrong. Thought he could play this season. Wrong. Can’t even sit on bench because the pain’s so bad.

Coyle: He’s trying acupuncture.

Next step, voodoo?

Name: Jan Tatala, 6-5 forward.

Ailment: Dislocated shoulder twice in summer league. Took time off. Went surfing in August, shoulder popped out again. Now has three pins in his shoulder. Could be back in January but can’t lift arm over head.

Coyle: He’s not going to be 100%, but I’ll take him.

Beggars can’t be choosers.

Name: Mike Castaneda, 6-0 guard.

Ailment: Sprained wrist, missed one game. Came back, sprained ankle. Looks like mummy with all that tape.

Coyle: I was hoping he would carry us.

Hard to do that from a litter.

Name: Eli Engle, 6-3 guard.

Ailment: Came to school with arm in cast. Broken bone in wrist.

Coyle: He plays a lot of tennis and it was really bothering him.

Tennis wrist?

Name: Paul Anderson, 6-1 guard.

Ailment: Was walking on beach and punctured foot.

Coyle: He’s going to help us. He’s got to help us.

Surfing, tennis, walks on the beach? These aren’t exactly at-risk activities.

Name: Gabe Gardner, 6-9 center.

Ailment: Excellent water polo player but going from water to court is tough transition. Sits out half of every practice with sore knees.

Coyle: We call him Grandpa because of how he walks.

Sore knees? A misdemeanor around here.

Name: Josh Parks, 5-10 guard.

Ailment: Was playing basketball at the beach and passed out. Tests were negative.

Coyle: So far, no problems.

Geez, not since Blood Beach has there been so much carnage.

Name: Adam Fischer, 6-3 forward.

Ailment: Hurt wrist before weekend. Went to doctor for X-rays.

Coyle: At this point, I don’t even want to know.

Ignorance is bliss.

*

The Tritons, 0-5 at the moment, have heart. They just need a pacemaker.

Coyle won three league titles in seven seasons at West Covina. The Tritons won 12 games under him last season, more victories than the team had had in any of the 12 previous seasons. Things looked bright.

Now Coyle cringes every time he hears an ambulance. He gets home and his wife asks, “Who was it today?” His players are talking about sacrificing a cow to change their luck before their next game.

But Ed’s dealing with it. He even recruited a player from a P.E. class. Amazingly, the kid agreed to play. Brave lad.

Things are bound to get better, Coyle knows they can only get better. Besides, Ed’s fine. And remember, when you’ve got your health, you’ve got everything.