This Is No Bracket for Those Who Can’t Hack It

I make my living being a sports expert, so when it came time for someone to win the NCAA tournament office pool a year ago, it really shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone here who emerged on top.

I’m just pretty good at predicting things. I know, for example, I won’t be eating at Tom & Aida’s house any time soon.

I’m telling you, if someone had asked, I would have told them the Diamondbacks were going to win the World Series, the Grand Rapids Rampage would take the Arena Bowl, and Walter Ray Williams Jr. would roll his way to the PBA National Championship in Toledo.

That’s just what I do, so you can see how unfair it would be for me to enter the office pool again--competing with people here, who really don’t know very much.

I look at Vic sitting at his desk here on company time, appearing clueless while filling out his bracket, and I realize this is his only shot at a raise this year.

I sit next to Alan, who writes Olympic stories no one ever reads, and when he talks I notice no one ever listens. He has a loud voice, however, and the other day I heard him tell himself he won the office pool once, and it bothered me all day trying to remember when I must have filled out that bracket for him.

I can only imagine the guesswork that must be going on for those working in our Southern California Living section--those poor people, who’d like to be as smart as a Page 2 columnist just for a day, in order to have a shot to win an office pool.

Well, I’ve decided to help and provide the kind of expertise you’ve come to expect here. Now if someone mentions previous predictions that supposedly ran here that maybe had Denver winning the Super Bowl this year, Jacksonville last year and UCLA playing Texas in the Rose Bowl, all I can tell you is ... I plead ignorance.

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THE SOUTH: Winthrop starts the year with Lander; ends with Duke; “Cornbread” Maxwell led Charlotte to ’77 Final Four--Maxwell has no more eligibility so Irish win; Rick Majerus and Bill Dwyre were both born in Sheboygan--too much for Majerus to overcome so Indiana wins; Wilmington 0-21 lifetime against ranked opponents, 0-22 after playing USC; Penn is Ivy League team, Cal isn’t--Cal wins; Central Connecticut has same nickname as Duke--that’s all; Kent State has higher Sagarin rating than USC, who could beat OSU; Florida Atlantic Coach Sidney Green is 58-112 overall, and you have problems with Steve Lavin?

Dwyre went to Notre Dame--too much for Irish to overcome against Duke; In the last 29 games that Hoosiers have scored 75 or more points they’re unbeaten--USC has given up more than 75 in last three--Indiana wins; Pitt romps in home game; Kent State runs Cinderella winning streak to 20.

Duke and Pitt eventually meet with Duke advancing.

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THE WEST: Boston has a fine law school. Cincinnati has a fine basketball team. BU’s only chance is to sue the Bearcats; Ole Miss can’t stop Dan Gadzuric--question is does UCLA stop him? Missouri shows me nothing; “Let’s Dance Again” T-shirts to commemorate Davidson’s invite available--Ohio State, though will be doing the slam dancing; How can team known as the Pokes keep up with Zags? Gauchos were seeded third in Big West, Arizona third seed in NCAA. Enough said; Hawaii unleashes amazing three-point attack; It’s RIP for Illinois Chicago with RPI of 124.

Cincinnati’s Bob Huggins could be coaching Clippers; instead he’s beating UCLA; Miami might beat Ohio State in football, but not basketball; Gonzaga makes a point; Hawaii loses to Oklahoma--has to go home to Hawaii, which makes Hawaii bigger winner than Oklahoma.

Ohio State and Oklahoma eventually meet with Oklahoma advancing.

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THE MIDWEST: Holy Cross is 2-12 when trailing at half--what’s its record when losing by 20 after three minutes? I’ve seen Stanford play--take Western Kentucky; Creighton is located in Nebraska--go with Florida; If Tony Gwynn still played for San Diego State, Illinois would be concerned; Boston College doesn’t belong in tournament--Texas demonstrates why; Ditto for McNeese State; Pepperdine just has to avoid playing Gonzaga; Montana just happy to get out of Montana for a few days.

Kansas wonders when it will play someone tough; Illinois wins in Chicago; Mississippi’s mascot is named “Bully,” and Texas learns why; Oregon watches USC and UCLA tape and doesn’t let Pepperdine pull a fast one.

Kansas and Oregon eventually meet with Kansas advancing.

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THE EAST: The only thing standing between Siena and a .500 record is Maryland; editor Mike Kupper is Dwyre’s friend and he likes Wisconsin to go to Final Four--take St. John’s in first round; Isn’t Tulsa close to Nebraska? Take Marquette; I knew a girl who went to Valparaiso--she was cold--I worry its shooters might be the same way; Given Bobby Knight’s NCAA record, Texas Tech would be better off with Brian Dennehy coaching; Is UCLA now a step up or down for Georgia’s Jim Harrick? Michigan State’s my sleeper; Hampton beat North Carolina and thought it was big, not knowing that would be as big as it gets.

Maryland dines on cupcakes; Marquette has won 19 of 26 by 10 or more points and whomps Kentucky; Georgia ends SIU’s “we beat Knight party;” My sleeper catches Connecticut napping.

Maryland and Georgia eventually meet with Maryland advancing.

That means Kansas beats Maryland, and Oklahoma defeats Duke with the Jayhawks winning it all, giving Lavin the chance to tell everyone during the off-season he figured out a way to beat the national champions.

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T.J. Simers can be thanked for his picks at t.j.simers@latimes.com