Analyzing the Playoffs From All Sorts of Angles

Tying up this weekend’s NFL playoff action in 10 sentences or less:

Philadelphia obviously caught Minnesota with its pants down.

Pittsburgh should change its name to Stealers.

No one has yet to create the video game that does Michael Vick justice.

Flipping on Sunday’s CBS broadcast of the New England-Indianapolis game and seeing a blue line stretched across a frozen, white playing surface, I could have sworn for a second the NHL was back in business.

If people in the NFL are so smart, how come they don’t study tape of every New England game against Indianapolis and figure out that’s the way you slow down Peyton Manning?

Before you start screaming Manning can’t win the Big One, remember Dan Fouts and Dan Marino never won the Big One and John Elway was pushing the Big 4-0 before he did.

In other words, put a cork in that whine and don’t open it until Manning turns 35.

Is it me or does New England Coach Bill Belichick dress like a guy waiting for a chair lift at Heavenly Valley?

Turning to non-NFL related news:

* Kobe Bryant rolled his right ankle Thursday night and -- poof -- there went the Laker season. Why bother watching anymore?

(Maybe because, after Bryant was lost in first quarter against Cleveland, an assemblage of rejects and castoffs rallied to beat LeBron James?)

Let’s face it: the Lakers without Bryant are the Atlanta Hawks with ocean-front property.

(Except that all of a sudden sidekick Lamar Odom is playing lights out while the Laker offense no longer looks like four guys watching one guy change a light bulb.)

The only question now is how many games the Lakers will lose this year.

(Or how many they will win? Read: Team goes to Golden State on Saturday night, beats Warriors. Odom attacks the rim like Dominique Wilkins, scores game-winning basket on a driving layup. Lakers improve to 20-15.)

Laker fans can only count the days until Bryant’s ankle heals.

(But didn’t they do OK with Bryant on the bench last Monday at Minnesota, going on a 24-7 run when Kobe wasn’t hurt?)

This is going to be a long, dark, double-dribble winter.

(Lakers try to make it three in a row without Bryant tonight against Utah!)

* College football coaches met in Louisville last week to decide if they should make their votes public in next year’s top 25 poll.

Get this: The vote to determine if the coaches should reveal their votes next year was conducted by secret ballot.

Word is the coaches will meet sometime soon at a secret location to further discuss the situation. No doubt the coaches will use a secret handshake to get into that meeting.

When can the public expect a final decision on this?

Don’t ask.

* Michele Wie shot 75-74 at the Sony Open in Hawaii and failed to become the first female golfer in 60 years to make the cut on the PGA Tour.

The weekend wasn’t a total disappointment. Inspired by USC quarterback Matt Leinart, the 15-year-old Wie announced she was absolutely returning in 2005 for her junior season ... of high school.

* Who said it?

“This will be my last pro or college job. My last job, period.”

A: Former Ohio State tailback Maurice Clarett after taking a job at Burger King.

B: Tim Floyd after accepting the basketball job at USC.

Answer: B.

Floyd was hired Friday and it’s now Monday, meaning he needs only two days to outlast the last coach USC hired.

* The Green Bay Packers announced this week they had stripped Coach Mike Sherman of his general manager duties.

To be consistent after the Randy Moss “mooning” incident, the NFL fined the Packers $10,000, stating the act of “stripping” violates a league rule prohibiting “obscene gestures or other actions constructed as being in poor taste.”

* Don King sued ESPN for $2.5 billion claiming the network defamed him in a story. Really, all ESPN said was that the boxing promoter was a “snake oil salesman, a shameless huckster and worse.”

Look for gavel-to-gavel trial coverage on TNT, CNN, Fox and the Food Network.

Coverage on ESPN will be handled by “Cheap Seats.”

* This news just in from the frozen tundra. NHL executive vice president Bill Daly remarked of the impasse that threatens to wipe out the season, “I think we’re in a critical time period.”

Interestingly, this was the same thing Ashlee Simpson told her band after the Orange Bowl halftime show.

* Former football coach Rick Neuheisel’s wrongful termination lawsuit against the University of Washington is set to go to trial later this month.

Hard to understand, really, why no other college is interested in hiring a football coach/lawyer who is in litigation against his former school.

Also, the judge in the case has told prospective jurors they will not be allowed to ask Neuheisel for tips in their NCAA tournament office pools.

* Second Thoughts believes it has obtained some of the outside advice Leinart received before making his decision to return for his senior season.

“You should have turned pro out of high school.” -- Karl Dorrell.

“C’mon Matt, the NFL is such a no-brainer.” -- John David Booty.

“But they have to pay you millions even if you stink!” -- Ryan Leaf.

“There’s nothing like hanging out in the quad.” -- Tommy Trojan

“I’ll match any insurance policy offered, anywhere, any time.” -- Lloyd’s of Lakewood.