Vendor Spotlight: Emily Gaikowski, Heartthrob Events
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Known for composing celebrations that are as joyous as they are inclusive, this L.A.-based wedding planner has become a champion of—as she herself puts it—“queer joy” in an industry not just steeped but fundamentally rooted in tradition, ritual, and convention.
Gaikowski and her business, Heartthrob Events, have received nods from Vogue Weddings, Brides, and The New York Times
What inspired you to become a wedding planner?
I’ve been planning parties my whole life. I probably planned my first party when I was four or five, and it’s something that comes really naturally to me. Gathering people comes really naturally to me—thinking about how to move through a space, how I want the guests to feel, the elements that go into it, how to make an event that feels different from any other event you’ve ever been to in your life. These are things that I felt intrinsically I knew how to do.
And, when I started my company around 2016 in the election year, it was a time when things were, obviously, very politically tumultuous—the way they are now—and it felt more important than ever to help queer people find spaces where they could celebrate and have the party of their dreams.
I officiated a friend’s wedding with his husband in Salt Lake City in 2015 and it was such a beautiful celebration of community and queer people getting to come together in an industry that’s not typically cut out for them, and it felt like there was a need for queer wedding planners and people with lived experience, and I just wanted to be a part of that. It’s really joyful.
In my previous life, I got a master’s in public health, and I worked in clinical research trials and a lot of behavioral health trials and mental health. So, my background involves a lot of spreadsheets, a lot of budgets, a lot of crisis management, a lot of people skills and de-escalation. I’ve worked in hospitals and academia and heavy on the counseling side, all of which are super helpful for weddings, which entail all of those components.
I was so inspired by the couples that were asking me to officiate about ten years ago, and seeing how terrifying things were for our country in terms of gay marriage and how we could celebrate our uniquenes. It felt like the right time to start a company that could help queer people experience joy in a process that wouldn’t normally involve them—and I work with all kinds of couples.
So, when I started my company, I knew that I really wanted to be there to walk people through this experience and help them focus just on the joyful parts of wedding planning and less on the nitty-gritty. I also wanted to shield them from a typically very heteronormative industry. I had couples that would tell me they didn’t see a lot of themselves in wedding publications, in the media—and once I started doing weddings, I couldn’t get enough. I was hooked right away.
I tell people that work for me now, “You’ll know really, really quickly if weddings are or are not for you.” The learning curve is so steep. And, after I did my first couple ones start to finish, I just couldn’t get enough. I was completely hooked.
As a queer person, I have always been involved in queer nightlife. I lived in The Castro for ten years. I’ve lived in cities for twenty years. My whole life is queer, and there’s just something special about helping queer couples navigate this industry that is so convoluted, the language is not for them. I see a lot of stuff come across my desk that still says “bride and groom,” people get misgendered on their wedding days. And, my clients are special in that they are folks who also want to take up a lot of space, have a really joyful party.
I’ve always operated from a place of the worse the world gets, the more we need parties. So, sometimes people will approach me and say, like, “It feels weird to, like, show off in this way,” or, “It’s going to look weird to our friends that we’re having this.” I’m like, “Don’t you want to give people a refuge from this world for just eight hours to, like, shower them and food and drinks and fun?”—like, that, to me, is community. Historically, weddings are bringing together the people that have gotten you to where you are and hosting them for this experience. So, I’m just trying to always place an emphasis on queer joy and getting into these spaces that are not historically for anyone queer.
What, in your opinion, are some of the biggest current and upcoming wedding trends to watch out for?
I’m happy to say that I think maximalism is here to stay. There are some misconceptions around what that means. I’ve always operated from a place of “more is more.” I’m definitely not the planner for minimalists or people that want something super subtle. That’s not really what I specialize in. I think, when people think about maximalism, they’re thinking, “Oh, it’s like a chaotic mix of, you know—it’s too much of something,” or it’s feeling like it’s messy, when actually the opposite is true.
Maximalism, in my opinion, involves a lot of different textures and movement—And I think of weddings as kind of the way you think of stage makeup, like I need to see you, I need to see your wedding in order for it to show up. So, I still operate from a place of “more is more.” I think people are really jumping on that trend.
I’m seeing a lot of super romantic trends coming back in. An example is billowing drapes, tons of fabric, still tons of candles. We’re seeing some Baroque designs and gowns this year. It’s Bridal Fashion Week in New York right now, and I think a lot of the styles are super lacy, we’re seeing some of those high necks coming up.
I think, also, the multiday wedding for my couples—that trend is not ending anytime soon. My couples like to do an all-out, what we call “summer camp” experience. I’m still seeing that trend riding high. Also, multiple wardrobe changes throughout the night, throughout the weekend. My couples usually work with a stylist because they have so many wardrobe changes.
So, just a lot of “more is more”—I wouldn’t say anything is trending towards simplicity.
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What’s your overall process of planning a wedding, from start to finish?
When couples hire me, I take a really holistic approach. I like to think about who they are, what their home is like, where they travel, what restaurants they eat at, their favorite cocktails. I can’t really start to conceptualize the big picture until I know who these people are and what culturally is important to them.
My planning and design process go hand in hand. One doesn’t work without the other. So when I’m designing a wedding, and I’m getting to know this couple really intimately, I like to see things like their home décor, the clothes that they’re buying, the stylists that they work with, the cars that they drive, the trips that they take. This helps me to get clarity around their priorities, what matters to them—and, from there, I can kind of build this out like a house.
I start with a foundation, which of course, is that budget and guest list. Venues will inform a lot of what I need, so, even though there’s stuff that’s really fun in the wedding planning process, which is what every couple expects to jump right into—gowns, cakes, hair and makeup, all the good stuff—the truth is that we do have to do a lot of admin on the front end.
So, I really like to set my couples up for success. I want them to get all of that paperwork off their desk and [make them] feel like they have a partner who’s keeping things on track. I place a big emphasis on transparency. I have a lot of touchpoints—this is a very, really, high-touch process. So, couples who collaborate with me can expect to hear from me all the time.
Things change. We keep it flexible. Nothing is ever set in stone, and I like to tell them that right from the start, so that they’re not feeling like they are trapped into one design or one concept way too early—and if we’re working with a tighter timeline, that changes things. But, ideally, we have a year to think about how we want to build this house—meaning that we want to get all of our infrastructure pieces and then start to worry about those little bells and whistles. But, those matter too.
What, specifically, sets your business and services apart from other wedding planners?
I don’t know a lot of other queer wedding planners in Los Angeles who operate the way that I do.
I know there are a lot of allies, and when I started my company, we were still focusing on the voices of allies. We were having them lead the conversation around gay marriage, and it feels really important—it’s really important to me—that queer people with lived experience are part of the conversation. They get a seat at the table, they’re planning queer weddings, their voices are amplified whenever possible. I try to prioritize vendors who are people of color, trans folks, nonbinary folks, and community-based.
So, when people hire me, I tell them that they should disregard that old way of thinking about what I call “the wedding industrial complex,” and think about it like we’re building this, kind of, small community art fair for a weekend. So, I’m really pushing them to hire local florists, hire local calligraphers, people that live and work in their communities, small businesses whose values align with theirs. That feels especially important right now.
When it was 2016 there were a lot of divides happening. People were talking about, “You can’t mix weddings with politics, you can’t mix business with politics,” and it’s all one. I found, of course, weddings—especially queer weddings—are intrinsically political because they are at risk. So, I value that conversation around inclusivity in everything that I do, and I just think that the weddings I produce are really focused on a really fun guest experience, versus just being an “Instagram-beautiful” wedding.
What are some of your favorite ideas or tips for couples looking to personalize their wedding?
I actually feel really strongly about the fact that sometimes we try a little too hard to customize it, and it’s full of inside jokes and sayings between you and your partner. You probably don’t need to do as much as you think you need to do. It’s your wedding, so, by default, it’s personal. People that are there will know you. I would say, rather than worry about, like, conveying your sense of humor through signage or cocktail napkins, you can do that with vows. You can do that with heartfelt speeches.
The signage is really fun, too, and there is a space for that. But, your personality will shine in the decisions that you make around how this wedding comes to life—so, if I walk into a wedding for a couple who are foodies, I know right away that probably the food will be amazing. If they’re designers, I anticipate that it’ll look gorgeous and feel really cohesive.
I’ve seen in the past ten years the huge trend of “Instagram-worthy weddings.” I’m happy to see that some of those trends are shifting from the neon signs and the super personal inside jokes and quotes from The Office to something that’s a little more heartfelt. And, when you’re creating your wedding, it will be personal, because it’s your wedding, so there’s no other wedding that it could be. It’s impossible to avoid trends. There will be some trends in your wedding—that’s just, that’s how it is. And, whether that’s fashion or entertainment, color schemes, floral designs, it’s impossible to not have some trends.
When you are thinking about what makes your wedding special, you’re thinking about the things that you prioritize as a couple. If music is really important to you, you’re going to want to emphasize that. As a planner, I work with my couples to help them think about what their priorities are, what their families’ priorities are. What do they want to emphasize? What do we really want to showcase? Do we want to show people how expansive their music taste is? Do we want to show people what types of food they like?
I would say there’s a lot of pressure to have the funniest sign, to have the most hilarious cocktail napkin. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you’re trying to brand your wedding to the extent that it’s way too personal.
I also think that fashion is one of the most personal pieces of a wedding. I encourage all of my couples from the start to hire a stylist. Wedding wardrobe is really sensitive. It’s a good way to start thinking about any body issues you’ve ever had in your life. Plus, you’re standing in front of all of your friends and family, and you’re thinking about, “Does this reflect who I am as a person?”—I think my couples struggle the most when it comes to wedding wardrobe, just because there’s no way of knowing what is and isn’t for you.
How would you possibly know if you haven’t been married before? Bridal fashion can be really intimidating. It can be really exclusive. As somebody whose core values center around inclusivity, I would encourage you to get a stylist who works with all body types, who works with people that are outside of any heteronormative constructs that we usually see. And I would probably say, “Think about who you really are, how you want to feel,” because that will shine through, and people will know that it’s the real you, and that you’re not just wearing a costume, that you’re wearing something that feels right for you.
What are some of the challenges that arise during the planning process, and how do you handle them?
My contract changes after every single wedding because of things that arise that I could not foresee coming. I will say that you should never use a vacation rental company as a venue. You want to eliminate as many variables as possible. So, the more secure you are in booking venues, vendors that have actual contracts, the smoother the process will be. If you have a venue that is not used to doing weddings, that is not set up to be a wedding venue, there’s just a host of things that can go wrong, so certainly make sure that you are not using some vacation rental site as your venue search.
Weddings are the perfect storm of family and money, so right away, there’s the expectation that things will be perfect. Weddings are already super heightened. There’s sort of this misconception around weddings, or this sort of old lore, that if you use the word “wedding,” things are much more expensive— and the truth is that weddings are just much harder than any other event you’ll ever plan, because it also involves saying vows for the rest of your life to the person that you’re going to be with for the rest of your life, all your friends and family, and extremely personal decisions around finances and attire and what everybody’s eating.
So, give yourself a lot of grace when you feel stressed out, because there’s just nothing that you can liken to a wedding. No other event feels like a wedding. They’re very hard. It’s unlikely that you are ever going to feed 150 people at the same time again, unless, of course, it’s your children’s wedding or a bar mitzvah, but unless you are a Bridgerton family, it’s super bizarre to think about feeding that many people at the same time and having it perfect.
The goal is that it’s fun, not perfect. So if you think about the most fun or amazing thing you’ve gone to—like a Beyonce concert or some crazy night with your friends—it probably wasn’t perfect, but it probably was really fun. A perfect wedding might have to happen on a soundstage. These are live events—tree branches fall, unexpected things occur—but the goal is that you’re having fun.
The good news is that I am a perfectionist. I want things to be perfect, but I want them to be fun. And, unless we are working with a movie studio and a soundstage, perfection doesn’t exist. So, we do the best we can to have things be excellent. So I like to use words like “excellent” or “amazing” instead of “perfect.” “Perfect” feels a little restrictive. It can feel a little anxiety-inducing when we are—to use that airplane analogy again—if we are moving 150 people through a space for seven hours, there’s no possible way that we can control every variable.
What we do is build out this wedding so that things are running so smoothly, and we’ve accounted for everything, so that if something does go off the rails—and it always will, because that’s live events, it’s impossible for it not to. And if it doesn’t, then it might be a boring wedding, because you might be in a sterile ballroom with, like, no cool music and nothing exciting happening, and that’s very rarely what couples want anymore. They usually want something that feels fun and reflective of who they are, and less about perfection.
But, also, it does need to be perfect…
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What is your single favorite part of any wedding?
My favorite part of the wedding is right when the ceremony ends, and the couple is recessing down the aisle, and everyone can breathe this collective sigh of relief because we know that the most time-sensitive, hardest part is over. There’s still a lot of things we have to account for that night, but that tends to be the piece that causes the most anxiety, the piece where so much can go wrong. Just because it is 30 to 45 minutes of, sometimes miked, vows. It feels like the most important time in your life, because it is. So, once that ends, and I can feel everybody start to transition into “party mode”—that’s the best part.
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