SUPER BOWL XXX : Let the Hype Begin

Today it begins; this annual hailstorm of hypothesis, inundation of innuendo, gaggle of guesswork. Today is the first day of Super Bowl week, which means only one thing:

It’s time to throw out the first matchups.

Troy Aikman versus the Pittsburgh Steeler secondary. Erric Pegram versus the Dallas Cowboy linebackers.

Williams versus Williams. Johnston versus Johnson. Stone versus Lake. Greene versus Brown.

Brock versus Marion. Buck versus Stram. Downtown Julie Brown versus a life.

For the next week, every conceivable matchup in next Sunday’s Super Bowl XXX between the Cowboys and Steelers will be covered.

Consider yourself warned.

Formal Versus Grunge

The Cowboys can trot out nearly a dozen uniform combinations, including special shirts with bold stars on the shoulders.

The Steelers? They don’t even have decals on both sides of their helmets.

Legend has it that the hypocycloid -- the name for that multicolored steel symbol -- appears only on the right side of the Steeler helmet because one guy on one day had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.

When the Steelers began using those helmets in 1962, an equipment man was reportedly too cranky to paint it on both sides. They went to the playoffs that year for only the second time in franchise history, and they superstitiously decided not to repaint.

Edge: The Steelers. Combined with the fact that Steeler Owner Dan Rooney never combs his hair, you have a fashion combination considered unbeatable.

Math Versus Madness

Earning the lowest base salary among Steeler starters is rookie guard Brenden Stai, who made $152,000 this season.

Earning the lowest base salary among Cowboy starters is, among others, cornerback Deion Sanders, who made $178,000.

Edge: All the owners who think Jerry Jones is jury-rigging the salary cap.

Headhunter Versus Party Hound

The most notable fine assessed the Steelers went against linebacker Greg Lloyd, who was billed $12,000 for leaving his feet and trying to remove Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre’s head.

The Cowboys’ most notable fine went against receiver Michael Irvin, who was charged a couple thousand for spiking a ball into a crowded section of seats.

Edge: Cowboys. Love those deadly touchdown dances.

Three Rivers Versus Three-Ring Circus

The Steelers play in a downtown stadium where traffic is a serpentine nightmare, where parking lot attendants demand bribes, and where tailgate parties begin at 8 a.m. and last until the final drunk has thrown the final Iron City empty into one of the three rivers. The Cowboys play in a shiny suburban complex where the owner plans to build a football theme park so visitors can watch the team practice. And no tailgating. Not now, not ever.

Edge: Steelers. We hear they are going to name that new Cowboy monstrosity, “Jonestown.”

TV or Not TV

Four members Cowboys -- Jones, Switzer, Irvin and Aikman -- have local television shows. And 16 have radio shows, among them long-snapper Dale Hellestrae.

Three Steelers -- Coach Bill Cowher, John Jackson and Carnell Lake -- have local television shows. Not one has a regular radio show.

Edge: Cowboys. There should be -- if there already isn’t -- a law against Cowher publicly displaying his mug more than absolutely necessary.

Hug Versus Shove

Chuck Noll, the great Steeler coach of yesteryear -- he retired four years ago -- holds the title of “administration advisor” and still shows up at the team’s facility to give advice and swap stories.

Tom Landry, the great Cowboy coach of yesteryear -- he was fired six years ago -- hasn’t set foot inside their offices since.

Edge: Steelers. Landry might have finally been inducted into the Cowboy Ring of Honor, but his treatment has been shameful.

Hug Versus Shove II

Last year during the playoffs, Steeler defensive coordinator Dom Capers was hired as head coach of the Carolina Panthers. But he stayed with the Steelers until they were eliminated.

This year during the playoffs, Cowboy defensive line coach John Blake was hired as head coach of the Oklahoma Sooners. The Cowboys told him to take a hike. Immediately.

Edge: Steelers. Only because some of the Cowboys were devastated that Switzer didn’t take that Oklahoma job instead.

Butts Versus Guts

Playing cheek to cheek on the Cowboy offensive line are the two players with the biggest butts in football -- center Derek Kennard and guard Nate Newton.

Kennard’s butt is so big, he was earlier forced into temporary retirement because of a hip injury. Newton’s butt is not just big, but during the season, it grows, helping expand his preseason waistline from a 42 inches to its current measurement of 50.

Going up against Kennard and Newton in the Steeler defensive line will be two of the biggest bellies in football, those of defensive tackles Brentson Buckner and Ray Seals.

Buckner recently said at a pre-Super Bowl media gathering, “I believe the spread has been set at 12 points.”

“And this,” announced Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, “is a guy who knows something about spreads.”

Edge: Steelers, who still found time last week to dig into a 50-pound championship cake.

Brains Versus Buddies

Although Cowher is not considered a brain, he is supported by Ron Erhardt, an offensive coordinator who won two Super Bowl rings with the New York Giants.

And his defensive coordinator, Dick LeBeau, nearly pulled one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history while coaching for the Cincinnati Bengals against the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XXIII.

The Cowboys’ Switzer? His offensive boss, Ernie Zampese, will be appearing in his first Super Bowl. And defensive boss Dave Campo, who played a supporting role in the Cowboys’ two Super Bowl victories this decade, will be coordinating his first Super Bowl.

Edge: The Steelers, although we said the same things last week for the same reasons about the Green Bay Packers.

Free Versus Free

The Cowboys have six key free agents who will be playing for new contracts next year: safety Darren Woodson, cornerback Larry Brown, defensive tackle Russell Maryland and linebackers Robert Jones, Dixon Edwards and Darrin Smith.

The Steelers have three: quarterback Neil O’Donnell, tackle Leon Searcy and linebacker Jerry Olsavsky.

Edge: Steelers. The rest of the guys will be playing for a silly chance to make history. O’Donnell is playing for millions.

Bad Versus Worse

The Cowboy backup quarterback, Wade Wilson, threw one touchdown pass with three interceptions for a 70.1 passer rating.

The Steeler backup quarterback, Mike Tomczak, threw for one touchdown with nine interceptions for a 44.3 passer rating.

Edge: Trainers for both teams, whose medical prowess will be spotlighted as they perform everything short of amputation to keep Aikman and O’Donnell in the game.

Old Versus Older

The average age of the Steelers is 26.56, which ranks them 17th among 30 teams.

The average age of the Cowboys is 26.71, which ranks them 21st.

Edge: Cowboys. Because the average age of Steeler fans is 86.5.

Slacker Versus Weirdo

Charles Haley, the Cowboys’ most feared defender, rarely shows up for practice, even when he’s not injured.

Lloyd, the Steelers’ most feared defender, has received pain-killing injections just to practice.

Edge: Cowboys. Everything about Lloyd scares us.

Head Buster Versus Brown Noser

Jones has used such terms as wishy-washy and cheapskates in referring to the guys who run the NFL.

Dan Rooney refers to the league as, “A great American institution.”

Edge: Cowboys. Because the guys who run the league are wishy-washy cheapskates.

Spellcheck Versus Spellcheecck

The Steelers have a Dion who spells it Deon (Figures), an Eric who spells it Erric (Pegram), a Ron who spells it Rohn (Stark), a Brendan who spells it Brenden (Stai) and a Dermonti who spells it Dermontti (Dawson).

The Cowboys have a Dion who spells it Deion (Sanders), an Eric who spells it Erik (Williams), a Darren who spells it Darrin (Smith) and a Darrell who spells it Daryl (Johnston).

Edge: The Cowboys, because Troy, Emmitt and Michael spell their names just right.

Branded Biceps Versus Nipple Rings

Actually, just about every player in the game will be sporting some sort of tattoo or pierced body part, so call this a dead heat, with the loser being taste.

Barnum Versus Rooney

After losing cornerback Kevin Smith to a season-ending injury, the Cowboys signed free agent Sanders to a contract worth up to $35 million, not including pizza commercials.

During the same time period, the Steelers lost cornerback Rod Woodson with an apparent season-ending injury. But they refused to even phone Sanders.

“It’s a circus,” Rooney said of the doings in Dallas. “We play football here in Pittsburgh. We’re not in the carnival business.”

Edge: Dallas. After Sanders makes a game-saving deflection next Sunday, Rooney will be able to step out of the loser’s locker room and see a real circus.

Shuffle Versus Shake

Sanders’ two-step touchdown dance is now being imitated by other Cowboys and opponents alike ... all but Switzer.

“It’s a dance I ain’t invited to,” he said.

Brentson Buckner’s “Quake and Shake” celebration dance for the Pittsburgh Steelers can only be imitated by those with the rolls of a serious beer drinker.

Edge: See “Butts versus Guts.”

Reptiles Versus Retreads

The Steelers’ most popular calendar features 11 players and Cowher holding various snakes, lizards and turtles. We are not making this up.

The Cowboys most popular calendar features their cheerleaders in bikinis.

Edge: The Steelers, who don’t even have cheerleaders. God bless ‘em.

Wild Man Versus “Shaddup, Man”

Earlier this year, Cowher was so angry at the officials that he crumpled up a photograph of a blown call and shoved it into the pocket of referee Gordon McCarter.

Switzer hasn’t said a word to an official since he bumped one, incurring a penalty that cost the Cowboys in the NFC Championship Game last year in San Francisco.

Edge: Cowboys. Since Switzer has kept his mouth shut, the team has won 14 of 18 games.

Seasoned Versus Not

In their final 11 games, the Cowboys played seven teams that finished with winning records. They won five of those games.

In their final 11 games, the Steelers played two teams that finished with winning records. They won one of those games.

Edge: Which do you think? During the playoffs, the Steelers have looked every bit like a team that spent the regular season playing a Wizard of Oz schedule -- Jaguars and Bengals and Bears, oh my!

Weird Versus Weirder

The Steelers completed 14 passes this year to a quarterback.

The Cowboys completed three passes to a defensive back.

Edge: Love that Steeler fourth-string quarterback.

Steel Versus Corn

Steeler fans call their team the “Stillers.”

Cowboy fans call their team the “Dallascowboys.” It’s never just Dallas, never just Cowboys, but both, run together like chicken-fried steak and that white stuff they pour over it.

Edge: The good people of Arizona, who will greet both sets of fans this week with the very understandable, “A credit card will be fine.”

Dumb Versus Dumber

Joel Steed, Steeler defensive tackle, was suspended by the NFL for four games for violating the league’s policy on anabolic steroids.

Leon Lett, Cowboy defensive tackle, was suspended for four games and backup cornerback Clayton Holmes was suspended for the season for substance abuse.

Edge: Nobody. So much for an untainted champion.

Stone Age Versus New Age

After the Steelers lost four of their first seven games, Cowher banned the use of a cellular phones and pagers in the locker room and training complex.

The Cowboys talk on their cellular phones while walking off the field.

Edge: Steelers, who will be the only team in Arizona not complaining about distractions while making another call.

Venerable Versus Vitriolic

In the 1940s, in an attempt to keep the sport alive during World War II, Rooney’s father, Art, shared his depleted team with the Philadelphia Eagles in 1943 -- they were the Steagles -- and Chicago Cardinals of 1944.

Jones is being sued by the NFL because he won’t share any of the money he makes from wearing Nike undershorts.

Edge: Guess.