LAUGH LINES

From the Sports Desk: The NFL is considering instant replay in this season’s playoffs. “I said, ‘The NFL is considering instant replay in this season’s playoffs.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

Puttin’ the Squeeze on: The GOP wants to impeach Bill Clinton for lying about sex. “That’s not all. There now is evidence that during a trip to the grocery store in Little Rock last week, the president did in fact squeeze the Charmin.” (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of Mr. Bill: A poll indicates that 60% of American voters don’t want to see President Clinton impeached, but 60% also think he should be censured. “Unfortunately, 90% of those polled don’t know what ‘censured’ means.” (Ira Lawson)

Cyber Watch: Microsoft has solved its Year 2000 problem. “On Jan. 1, 2000, the title to everything you own will get automatically transferred over to Bill Gates.” (Jerry Perisho)

Health Watch: Scientists are working to create the next generation of Prozac. “But they caution that their work is nothing to get overexcited about.” (Premiere Radio)

Toy Department: Harley-Davidson Barbie dolls are going for up to $100 each. “Be careful of knockoffs. There’s one sure way to know your Harley Barbie is legitimate. Make sure the hair is real on the head and under the armpits.” (Buzz Report)

‘Tis the Season: According to Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar, Wednesday was the day to unpack your ornaments and check the lights. “I feel about Christmas lights the same way Clinton does about interns. Every year, there’s bound to be a couple that don’t turn on.” (Premiere)

Less Than We Thought: The American Physical Society is honoring a first-year college student in California who has calculated that the mass of the Milky Way isn’t as great as originally believed. “Apparently, earlier measurements overestimated the amount of creamy nougat inside.” (Lawson)

One Can’t Be Too Thin: Supermodel Naomi Campbell surrendered to police Friday and was charged with assaulting a former employee. “She was immediately released when police found her wrists were so skinny that no handcuffs would stay on them.” (Perisho)

Hot Property: Kenny Rogers is selling his mansion in Athens, Ga., for $11 million. “The place comes with two tennis courts, an 18-hole golf course and two-for-one coupons at any participating Roasters Chicken restaurants.” (Andrew Wisot)

Rap It Up: Rapper Coolio was found guilty in a German court this week of charges stemming from a confrontation with a boutique owner who said he punched her when she tried to stop him from taking merchandise without paying. “Coolio’s defense is that he wasn’t stealing; he was sampling.” (Conan O’Brien)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.