With regale force, a radio voice tells a breezy joke about Arnold

KFWB-AM (980)’s Lori Kelman was with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and other officials the other day in a tent that nearly blew down during a ceremony involving the Garden Grove Freeway improvement project. “Don’t worry,” Kelman quipped, “the governor’s hair stayed intact.”

Let’s hope it was the wind: In Beverly Hills, Phil Proctor spotted a Saint Nick who couldn’t stand up (see photo). I pray he wasn’t into the Christmas cheer (the Santa, I mean; I don’t worry about Proctor).

Why isn’t it in the Michelin Guide? After a trip to China, Barry Bradfield wrote: “I’ve stayed in four-star hotels before, but I can’t recall ever visiting a four-star toilet” (see photo).

Department of Low Finance: “I always wanted to give the phone company my two cents, but they beat me to it,” wrote Joel Davis of Glendale, who received some extra spending money just in time for the holidays (see accompanying).

Talk about lax port security... The Log, a boating and fishing newspaper, carried a disturbing article about “a masked bandit slipping onto the docks” in the San Pedro area, “crawling on board any boat he chooses, stealing food and leaving not only a mess but possible damages.”

Yes, raccoons have become aggressive in seeking new sources of food, what with humans encroaching on their environment. And around this time of the year, when boats are often left vacant, the creatures are at their hungriest as they strive to store energy for the coming mating season, the Log pointed out.

The crafty animals also know how to take advantage of loopholes in the law. They are a protected species so they can’t be exterminated -- only trapped and released into the wild.

Food for thought: A “carbroiled” steak item printed here reminded Jon Miller of La Jolla of the classic cookbook “Manifold Destiny” by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller. It’s subtitled, “The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine.”

Said Miller: “It gives new meaning to the term ‘road food.’ ”

miscelLAny: The Grunion Gazette reports that for more than two decades, Michael Brief, a former music store owner, has led the Almost Famous Seal Beach Kazoo Marching Society Band in the city’s Christmas Parade.

Instead of a baton, he holds up a toilet plunger. In case you’re wondering, the plunger is just a joke; it’s not a commentary on Southern California’s polluted waters.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.